The Secret Sex Lives Of The South Wales Valleys

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You know the old proverb, ‘the quainter and quieter the town, the louder and dirtier the sex.’ It’s in The Bible somewhere. Craigslist personal ads help prove that.

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One of the first articles I wrote for Sick Chirpse was based around addressing the exceptionally, unfortunate way that my fellow Valleyites, and I, were being conveyed on TV, and perceived by the media. This was, of course, in accordance with the specimen selected, to be our representatives, by MTV for their latest addition to the endless stream of ‘structured reality television shows’. The Valleys was set to sit alongside its more famed counterparts; The Only Way Is Essex, Made In Chelsea and, most-in-commonly, Geordie Shore — except lewder and cruder, and leaving a worse impression of its subject matter than most.

I sought to address this issue by bringing to everyone’s attention a, at the time, fresh faced Facebook sensation known as Spotted. I don’t imagine I need to explain that to you what Spotted is now. The Valleys was patronizing, grossly unrepresentative and, if anything, a filthy, smear campaign against my fellow countrymen. However, Spotted Rhondda Valleys was a true to life, and honest, documentation of the valleys and its people as I know and love them, genital, warts and all.

☛ The Real ‘The Valleys’

Roidheads, mephedrone messiahs, racists, bigots, sluts, cunts, alcoholics, teenage mothers, junkies, boyracers, work dodgers, fake tan tornadoes, dealers, and good, honest to God, hard working lovely people who take pride in family and will defend their friends to the death. Have a LOOK, all bases were covered. So, that was the real valleys, but it turns out there’s more to that than even I first thought, a lot more. You see, thanks to a friend who brought this to my attention, it is with great pleasure I introduce the even seedier underbelly of South Wales. I told her to write this article herself, and get started writing, but she was having none of it; stubborn mare as she is. It’s for this reason then, that I am writing this article. Plagiarism? Maybe.

☛ Labour Councillor Claims That ‘Having Sex With An Alien’ Is Causing Problems In His Marriage

For those unfamiliar with Craigslist, it is essentially a website dedicated to providing classifieds and forums for anything from jobs, sales and housing, to services, local community, events and personals. It’s mainly renowned in America, and thus my first awareness of it came through the references that many of my favourite American programmes would make to it. Anyway, I’ve had a vague awareness for some time that it’s also used over here in good ol’ Blighty, but not to what extent. However, that extent has become abundantly clear thanks to the direction of my friend pointing me towards the personals in our area on there.

Now, there were jokes on those previously mentioned shows about Craigslist, and they usually referenced some kind of filth or the likelihood of finding a serial killer on there, or something, but that’s America you say, what else would you expect? Well, it appears that that famed British reserve and awkwardness is a different story behind closed doors, in cars, in the open, in public bathrooms etc.

☛  To Spank Or Not To Spank? A Look At People’s Turn Ons And Turn Offs

We here at Sick Chirpse recently ran an article looking into the kinkier side of people’s turn ons and turn offs, and I found it to be a little tame if I’m honest. What that says about me, I’ll leave up to you; it could just be a desensitized and warped mind courtesy of the internet, or something far less wholesome. We also recently covered how the Japanese have gone mad for licking eyeballs during sexy times, but then we always knew the Japanese were fucked up — that’s why we love them. The following, genuine, posts from the Craigslist personals for the South Wales region just goes to prove that the quainter the town, the deeper the filth, and I also find it strangely comforting.

Why? Because it’s reassuring to know that, whatever you’re into, there are people out there into a whole lot worse, and you know what else; everyone you’ve ever known, or ever will, is a fucking weird freak in the sheets or in front of a computer monitor — you’re normal. So once you’ve read over the next page of posts and feel more than a little dirty, but a little warm inside too, be comforted, load up your favourite Brazilian fart fetish smut and remember what a recent American Dad episode sang about; everyone has a kink!


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