SPLASH: The Sound Of Turds Falling

Tom Daley Splash

You’ve seen or at least heard of ITV’s Splash. Hell, we’ve written about it before but it’s so gash we had to do it again, complete with some other ideas for equally nonsensical celebrity challenge shows and the ideal contestants and judges, including celebrity human centipede.

Tom Daley Splash

Yes, you’ve probably seen it trending on Twitter or heard people outside Argos talking about it (or maybe even read the Sick Chirpse article about it) but if you are not familiar with the concept, I’ll fill you in. Olympic hero and teen heart-throb (former pin up for pedophiles) Tom Daley in his tight blue speedos teaches ‘celebrities’ how to dive, who are then marked by a panel of judges… including Jo Brand. Yep. This is prime time television, apparently. You name them, they’ve jumped in the pool; Eddie the Eagle, Caprice, Omar Djalli, people from failed X factor bands… the list goes on! This isn’t a one off, there are more episodes including a final. Great.

The first thing wrong with this show is the fact that the celebrities aren’t blind-folded and led up to the top of a skyscraper before jumping. An hours programming is full of hosts Gabby Logan and Vernon Kay’s shit, fake banter, augmented by the well-worn fat jokes of Jo Brand. If you hadn’t realized, Jo Brand is fat, and has made a career out of pointing that fact out to everyone and she isn’t shy of reminding everyone of her whale-like qualities. Add to that people jumping in to water and yeah, that’s pretty much it. Instead of the contestants winning and going through, they should be sent to more intensive training camps. Imagine Caprice in  a Chinese Olympic training camp being beaten with sticks 10 hours a day or Omid Djalli being water-boarded in North Korea for not pulling off a double summersault. Sounds much better.

☛ Watch Next – Stephen Feck Completely Screws Up His Dive At The Olympics

You could say that this show is just a bit of fun, which to a certain extent it is, but people seem to be entertained by the simplest of things these days. Laughing at cats in hats on Facebook, fat people dancing on Strictly Come Dancing, people falling off skateboards. What worries me is that this could be the start of similar shows. I have a few ideas for some shows that might hit our screens, see what you think…

1. Push: Gold medal winner at the Paralympics, Hannah Cockroft disables six lucky celebrities by smashing their knee caps in with a saxophone. They then have to master the art of moving around in a wheelchair across an assault course inside the NEC in Birmingham. Judged by John Fashanu and Stephen Hawking.

2. Celebrity Human Centipede: That Doctor from Embarrassing Bodies chooses three random celebrities to be stuck together ass-to-mouth for a week. This week, Vanessa Feltz, Franky Cocozza and Joe Swash are sewn together, before being left in Manchester’s Arndale Centre to perform tasks to win food.

The term ‘celebrity’ seems to have become more of just a vague description of a recognizable human being these days. Shows like ‘Celebrity Come Dine With Me’ are filled with people who are never on the telly any more; so is ‘Celebrity Big Brother’. In fact, people who were on ‘Come Dine With Me’ (the pleb version) could technically be called celebrities! The term celebrity needs to be redefined and protected by actual celebrities, similar to how you can’t call a Cornish pasty a Cornish pasty if it isn’t made in Cornwall. Let’s call them ‘Media associated representatives’ or just dickheads for short.

All in  all, a flawed show full of people you don’t care about in a format that is marginally original. Not sure what this does for Olympic legacy either, but if it gets kids off the sofas and into the pool then great. Except they’re sat in on a Saturday night, watching telly…

☛ Watch This Next – Incredible Footage Of Underwater Scuba Diver In A Wheelchair 

☛ Even Worse Diving – Arjen Robben With The Worst Dive In Football History 


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