We’ve seen our fair share of dating disasters here on Sick Chirpse over the years, but the story that has emerged over the last 12 hours has truly topped every single one of them and in fact, I don’t think there will be any other story to top it afterwards either. We’ve reached the peak.
The whole thing starts with an unnamed girl who had been for a lovely second date to Nando’s with 24-year-old Liam Smyth after the pair met on Tinder.
I’ll let Liam tell the story, as he wrote it out beautifully on his crowdfunding page (the crowdfunding thing will make sense once you get to the end of the story):
I recently took a girl I met on tinder to Nandos.
We had a lovely evening, and enjoyed each other’s company very much.
After our meal, we repaired back to my house for a bottle of wine and a scientology documentary.
About an hour in to Louis Theroux and chill, my date got up to use the toilet. She returned with a panicked look in her eye, and told me she had something to tell me.
‘I went for a poo in your toilet’, she told me ‘and it would not flush. I don’t know why I did this, but I panicked’, she continued ‘I reached into the toilet bowl, wrapped it in tissue paper, and threw it out of the window’.
I was understandably concerned, and told her we would go outside, bag up the offending poo in the garden, bin it, and pretend the whole sorry affair had never happened.
Unfortunately, owing to a design quirk of my house, the toilet window does not in fact open to the garden, but instead into a narrow gap of about a foot and a half, separated from the outside world by another (non-opening) double glazed window. It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo.
As can be seen in the picture, the inside window opens at the top, into the gap that is separated from the garden by a non-opening double-glazed window pane. Seeing only one solution, I messaged our house group-chat, and went upstairs to find a hammer and chisel to smash open the window.
My date had other ideas.
Being an amateur gymnast, she was convinced that she could reach into the window and pull the poo out, using the tried and tested “inside out bag as glove” technique. Unfortunately she couldn’t reach. She climbed further in and had the same problem. Eventually I agreed to give her a boost up and into the window.
She climbed in head first after her own turd, reached deeper into the window, bagged it up, and passed it out, over the top and back into the toilet from whence it came. She called out to me to help her climb out from the window, I grabbed her waist and I pulled. But she was stuck. Stuck fast. Try as we might, we could not remove her from the window. She was stuck fast, upside down in the gap.
Unfortunately for my date, at this stage I could see only one way out of our predicament. She had been upside down in the window for around 15 minutes at this point, and I was starting to grow concerned for her health. I called the fire brigade.
Bristol’s finest were on scene sirens blaring in a matter of minutes. Once they had composed themselves after surveying the scene in front of them, they set to work removing my date from the window using all of their special firemen hammers and tools. It took them about 15 minutes.
Unfortunately, although they rescued my date unharmed from what must have been a rather unpleasant confined space to find yourself in, in the process they had to completely destroy the window with their special fire tools.
I’m not complaining, they did what they had to do. Problem is, I’ve been quoted north of £300 to replace the window. As a postgraduate student, that is a significant chunk of my monthly budget (in fact, that is my monthly budget).
If the window is not replaced my landlord may well kill me, so you would be literally helping to save a life.
If by some miracle I manage to raise more money through this page than the cost of the window, any remainder will be split 50/50 between two charities:
First, toilet twinning, a charity building and maintaining flushing toilets in the developing world. 60% of people worldwide don’t have access to a flushing toilet.
Second, to the firefighter’s charity. The guys who came to the house were brilliant, took everything in good humour, and professional.
Unbelievable. Is that not the most insanely unlucky date story you’ve ever heard? It has everything you wouldn’t want in a date – poo, physical pain, the fire services, costly damages. And all they wanted to do was Louis Theroux and chill. That girl is lucky that her identity is hidden because she is forever going to be known as the Bristol poo girl.
Oh yeah and in case you’re wondering, Liam is well over his £200 goal (£1659 at the time of writing). Looks like his next date will have the fortune of a flushing toilet.
For more dating disasters, click HERE.