Killer Cows – The Revenge Of The Burger

These gentle benign beasts of the field are turning on us…. keep your guard up this summer. They’re out for revenge.

Cows, the gentle cud chewing behemoths. We all love ’em, whether it’s a friesian in a field or a burger in your belly. Cows have been living along side us hairless apes for millenia, but it appears they are slowly but surely rising against us. Maybe they’ve been inspired by the recent riots in Ukraine, we can’t be sure, but either way they are killing us in a very direct and menacing fashion. Even the bible, the holy book of books says the following: “He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for man to cultivate…” If Jesus could see what they’re up to these days he would turn in his grave.

An article in the Guardian this week told the harrowing story of one Mike Scriven. He’d worked around cows for decades without incident, and then, one fateful day he turned his back on one of the rogue beast. She crept up, put her face next to his, and made “the most terrible bellowing, bawling sound”. He verbally reprimanded the cow and turned his back for a second time – mistake. She butted him in the back with all of her bovine powers and embarked on a valiant attempt to crush him to death with her mighty beef skull; To Mike’s terror she knelt down to sit on him. He says “It’s hard to comprehend just how big a cow is until you’re underneath one on the floor, looking up at it”. Mike couldn’t breath, he couldn’t move and he thought it may well be time for his lights to be put out. In sheer desperation he jammed his thumbs, one in each eye, and twisted until the nut-job cow backed up. Thankfully he survived and was back among the cows within two weeks. Although Mike was physically unscathed, he admits that he now has night cow terrors. Unsurprising.


I like fields and I especially like to be drunk in fields, so I had to look in to this further, for my own welfare’s sake. Should I be more wary of cows in the future? The answer to this is “Yes. Yes I should”. In America they kill more people than sharks. Put that in your pipe. The list of milky atriocities goes on, over the last few years they’ve been rampaging. In Cardiff a lady dog walker was trampled by a gang of 20 cows, in fact they killed four people in the UK in the summer of 2008. These gals weigh in at up to a ton and there’s 7.5 million of them in the fields of Britain. That’s an impressive army by anyone’s standards. Even the former Home Secretary, David Blunkett, isn’t safe. He was lucky enought to escape with bruising and a broken rib after being trampled while walking his guide dog. Sickos. Even politicians aren’t safe, that’s why I believe this rebel uprising may well be politically motivated.

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It’s not just the UK that is seeing this increase in dairy based murders. From 2003 to 2007, the US Department of Labor recorded an average of 21.6 cattle-related deaths per year. That’s 27 times more people than sharks. These guys are serious.

But, I guess it’s time they had a bit of revenge. We kill more than two million of them in the UK each year. Maybe I should be on the cow’s side after all? Everyone likes an under-dog… well an under-cow… but no one likes being under a cow…. Stay safe.

Cattle Decapitation - Humanure

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