CHIRPSES

Everyone Relax! The Internet Has Solved The Boston Bombing

Boston Marathon

What we need isn’t clear thinking or close investigation; internet rumours are the best way to get to the bottom of any crime…

Boston Marathon

While those desk-jockey bureaucrats in the Boston P.D. have been sat on their asses eating donuts, a hard-bitten detective who plays by his own rules has gone out and solved the Boston Marathon bombing.

Or at least taken a grainy picture of it, and shared it on Facebook.

And asked everyone else to share it, too.

This way, presumably, it’ll find it’s way to his superiors, who will reward him for this ability to get results even when the mayor is breathing down their necks and – …Y’know what? Fuck it. No amount of imagined backstory is going to salvage this one.

☛  Who Would Know How To Build A Pressure Cooker Bomb?

In the time since the Boston Marathon bombing, a photo has emerged on Facebook that shows the exact moment the bombs went off, and also a man on a roof.

Not just any man, either. A grainy, blurry, out of focus man.

We’re assuming it’s a man. It could be bigfoot for all the detail shown.

Whilst it’s a little distasteful to show pictures of a real atrocity on what is largely an entertainment-based site, check out the image below to see what the fuss is all about, and decide for yourselves if it solves the crime.

Boston Marathon Man On Roof

The explosion can be seen in the bottom right of the main picture, and has obviously occurred a fraction of a second before the picture was taken.

As soon as it was posted on Facebook, the photo was allegedly taken down, causing the more paranoid sections of society (read: “most of the internet”) to cry “conspiracy.”

Clearly, some sort of massive cover-up was behind the photo being removed, instead of, say, Facebook being unwilling to publish an image of the exact moment two people were killed and a third fatally injured. Although few people take the time to read it, the Facebook sign-up page actually makes it very clear that they’re primarily a site to distribute snuff pictures, and the whole “social networking” thing is really more of a sideline.

With this in mind, it’s obvious that Facebook is in league with dark forces and determined to protect this obviously-guilty roof Yeti, for some reason.

Boston Bigfoot

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You may wonder how we can be so sure that the mysterious figure on the rooftop is involved in the bombing and not just, say, Batman, but look at the evidence: He’s on a roof, and everyone knows terrorists love roofs. It’s why Al Qaeda live in caves. What is a cave if not a small room with a huge, mountain shaped roof?!

Also, we can be sure that the man in the picture has two legs. You know who else had two legs and liked standing above crowds?

Hitler.

In the interests of reckless, gun-jumping paranoia and internet vigilantism, Sick Chirpse has produced this handy guide to roof-dwellers, all of whom should be lynched on site:

 

Suspects

If any of these suspects are seen, consider them dangerous.

Unless of course there’s some sort of big public event going on down in the street. In which case, they might just be looking at that.

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