Last week, the world of chess was rocked by a huge scandal involving world champion Magnus Carlsen, who withdrew from a major tournament with $350,000 prize money after his unexpected defeat by underdog Hans Niemann.
Carlsen announced his withdrawal in a cryptic Tweet in which he suggested Niemann had cheated, which was a bit perplexing because I’m not sure how someone could possibly cheat in a chess game. Well, it turns out there is a way you can cheat in chess. And it involves… wireless vibrating anal beads?!
Yes indeed, chess enthusiasts online are now speculating that Niemann cheated using anal beads and artificial intelligence:
Currently obsessed with the notion that Hans Niemann has been cheating at the Sinquefield Cup chess tournament using wireless anal beads that vibrate him the correct moves. pic.twitter.com/F48BXjtBlN
— Babble (@Babble____) September 7, 2022
The idea is that the anal beads could transmit messages from an accomplice who was watching the game being broadcast live online and consult an AI to transmit the perfect move.
Honestly, if Niemann wants the W so bad that he went to the effort of plotting an elaborate AI-assisted technique involving anal beads in his butt, then fair play to guy. How else are you supposed to get better at chess before a big tournament? At some point you just need to give yourself an advantage. Niemann thought outside the box, using anal beads in his box, and it resulted in a massive victory against chess world champion Magnus Carlsen.
Of course there is the whole issue around people discovering he cheated, or at least accusing him at this point. Among the 10 players participating in the Sinquefield Cup, Niemann was the lowest rated and the least likely to defeat the world champion who was on a two-year unbeaten streak. Niemann of course insists he’s innocent:
The silence of my critics clearly speaks for itself. If there was any real evidence, why not show it? @GMHikaru has continued to completely ignore my interview and is trying to sweep everything under the rug. Is anyone going to take accountability for the damage they’ve done?
— Hans Niemann (@HansMokeNiemann) September 7, 2022
Who knew there was a darker side to the chess game? We’ll have to keep an eye on this one and see how it develops. Netflix documentary incoming?
For the chess robot that grabbed its 7-year-old opponent’s finger and snapped it in half, click HERE.
