You know what’s always fun? Judging people. Really, deep in your filthy blackened heart, you know that there are few better past times than observing someone you don’t really know and then coming to offensive, nonsensical conclusions about them. The less you know about them, the better the position you’re in to judge them.

This is why house parties make perfect hunting grounds for our unscrupulous little habit. Plenty of people you’ve never met before mingle with loosened inhibitions. Thanks to alcohol; they’ve all let their guards down in the name of good fun. More fool them. Sitting in a corner with a friend, snickering and trading snarky comments about blissfully unaware targets has never been easier.

But what trumps this rather blunt and primitive judging method, is rifling through the cupboards of your unfortunate host. Many (nosey and particularly harsh) people head straight for the medicine cabinet, in hope of finding a bumper size tub of Vagisil or achy ball pills. But I believe much more can be deciphered about a person from their cereal cupboard.

A person’s cereal choice can reveal subtle nuances in their personality and give you a more abstract understanding of a person than mere pills and ointments can. So, without further ado, please allow me to tell you what I might think of you if I find any of the following cereals in your house.

CHEERIOS

An obvious mask for your crippling depression. The only thing you have to be cheery about is the knowledge that you’re eventually going to die. Just like the Cheerios, you’re empty inside and the longer your pain goes ignored, the more you sink and deteriorate. Will anyone ever come to help you? No, because you insist on propping up this façade of positive thinking. You’ll probably kill yourself soon and no one will understand why. Gutted.

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