Before everyone despised me and I wasn’t vegetarian, I fvcking loved bacon. I did everything with the stuff. I’d wash my armpits with bacon, dip bacon in my cider, wrap bacon around my toes, wipe my arse with bacon, use bacon as armbands and even put slices of bacon around my cock and shag it. Much better than using a flannel and not just for the smell. Try it ladz. One thing I never did do with it, though, is use it as shaving cream because 1) I don’t shave and 2) bacon flavoured shaving cream wasn’t invented.
But now it’s been invented and is available to buy and is sorta making me wish I was a clean-shaven baby-faced normal Norman who shaved instead of constantly looking like I’m stuck halfway through my metamorphosis into a werewolf.
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Yep, that’s right you bunch of bacon-loving bastards. Bacon flavoured shaving cream is now here so you can splash your face with it and walk around all day smelling like a hangover or a dirty cafe. It’s been brought into the world courtesy of J&D’s – a company who are diehards for bacon and are affiliated with products such as baconnaise and bacon coffins – and it’s priced at $14.99, around £9 and is available here.
Justin Esch, the guy who invented the shaving cream and a self-titled bacontrepeneur has said: There is nothing more powerful than the smell of bacon, nothing. Bacon is the smell of champions.
‘Bacon is delicious, people get excited when they smell it.
‘When you walk into a room don’t you want people to be excited to see you?’
If any of you chirpsers buy this shit and use it with your chirpsing techniques, let us know whether you got laid or not. If you got laid, we’ll know this stuff’s worth a shot.