This week, hundreds of spoiled tech bloggers will unleash an avalanche of verbal diarrhoea over some expensive lifestyle accessories. They will be doing this because Apple (you know, the guys that make that device you mostly use for Snapchat and checking your Facebook) is hosting its Worldwide Developer Conference in San Francisco and kicked things off with a keynote last night.
In the weeks leading up to said keynote, the internet was awash with rumour and speculation. What will Apple announce?! What amazing innovations are they keeping under wraps?!? What is the latest “game-changer” that they will show off?!?!?! Incidentally, if you’ve ever used the term “game-changer” in any context other than satire then you need to punch yourself in the face. If you don’t feel like doing it yourself then get a friend to do it for you.
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There was no need to watch the keynote, because even a fucking six-year-old would have been able to tell you what Apple would announce; updated versions of their most popular products and services. The same stuff, only better. None of it will cure cancer, end starvation or bring about lasting peace in the Middle East. It will just be the same kind of thing they always do, with some improvements here and there. Pleasant enough, but no big deal in the greater scheme of things.
But none of this stopped the audience at the keynote whooping and hollering at regular intervals like crazed chimpanzees being shown a redesigned banana. It also didn’t stop the legions of nerds across the blogosphere from sharing their INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT OPINIONS on all the stuff Apple announced.
Some of them may even have been disappointed. Why? Because tech bloggers demand that any electronic product, however amazing and advanced, be made even EVEN MORE AMAZING AND ADVANCED BECAUSE THEY DESERVE IT. What a bunch of self-entitled little shits.
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So what did Apple announce? Some neat stuff, but THAT’S ALL. iOS 7 got shown off and, surprise surprise, was very pretty and looked easy/fun to use. Couldn’t have seen that one coming. The Mac Pro got a redesign and now looks like a large sleek rubbish bin. Amazing.
The Macbook Air now has a 12-hour battery so you can spend even more time in bohemian coffee shops looking at pictures of artsy naked women on Tumblr. Oh and iWork is coming to iCloud (iDontcare) and Apple Maps is coming to laptops and whoops I’ve slipped into a coma.
In summary: Apple will keep making incredibly advanced devices that you don’t really need but will want anyway (guilty as charged). Tech bloggers will keep ranting on about them even though no sensible person really gives a shit what they think. The end.
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