If you suffer from what is commonly known as ‘Josef Fritzl Syndrome’ – a particularly nasty syndrome which means you can’t help but have regular, unprotected sex with your daughter and other family members – then don’t worry, there’s a cheaper option than visiting a psychiatrist and constantly buying baby food for your chain of incestual little babies. You won’t need to visit Wonga or you won’t have a coupla gorilla-like grunts knocking at your door every few days, waiting impatiently for you to pay that loan back that you got from their boss in junkie high tower. You also won’t need to hack your nob off with a rusty axe or build a complex lair under your house for your incestual family to live in. All you need is a laptop or a smartphone, some form of internet connection (steal your neighbour’s), a few grams of self respect and living family members.
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Because there’s a new app that’s recently been released that will save your soul, save generations of your family from becoming real-life versions of The Hills Have Eyes cast and it’ll save your sperm from perishing in the black, bubbling pits of hell. Its name is IslendingabÃ³k and the pretty life-saving software was developed in Iceland (where you see all the single chav mothers buying trolley-fulls of fishfingers) where I’m told it’s pronounced like this: Ish-lund-ing-abok. Say it enough and you’ll be chanting it, like the Ooga-Booga noise the Aku-Aku mask makes in Crash Bandicoot.
Basically, the app lets you make sure that you and a person you’re shagging are in no way from the same family tree. All you gotta do is download the app to your phone – it’s free, you cheap bastard – and bump your phone against your shagging partner’s phone, who’s also obviously gotta download the app as well. Otherwise, it’d be like trying to transfer Pokemon from your Gameboys without even having a Gameboy. Pointless. After bumping the phones together, technology and genealogy work their magic and scuttle through their host and then tell you, through the medium of a screen, whether or not you and your prospective shag are in any way related. Or, alternatively, you can visit the app’s website and type in the gaping details like an old school mo’fo’.
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The app includes information on around 720,00 people so far, which is fuck all really compared to the world’s population but there’s always a chance one of those 720,000 could be an unknown family member so it’s better to be safe than sorry, right? However, one really unlucky guy wrote on the app’s website that: ‘If I’d had this in earlier, maybe I would not go home with my aunt.’ Whatta guy. Bet his aunt is a AILF.
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The tagline for the app is: ‘Bump the app before you bump in bed.’
Remember that kids. Or at least get some condoms. Here’s how the app’s helped the people of Iceland: