This time of year wreaks absolute havoc on the old bank account. Whether you’re splashing out on gifts for your friends and family or spending an absolute fortune at your work’s festive do, there’s no doubt that December can often be the most financially taxing month of the year. That being said, if you’re going to splash out on everyone this Christmas, then why not grab a few bits for your one true enemy whilst you’re at it.
“But that’s a waste of money,” I hear you cry. No offence, but if you can’t imagine the completely horrified look on that dickhead’s face as being priceless when they open up something horrific, then you’re on the wrong website. Go back to Buzzfeed or wherever else you catch up on your fuzzy wuzzy heartfelt content. As someone who has grown up with an amped up Eastender’s storyline every holiday season, to me revenge is the one true spirit of Christmas and here are 7 completely horrendous gifts that I would absolutely love to see opened by the people that have spent all year pissing me off.
A Pre-Order Of James Blunt’s New CD
Just when we thought this year couldn’t get any worse, the world’s worst musician yet best ever tweeter James Blunt announces that there’s new material on the way. Whilst this would usually be bad news for anyone else, except those middle aged women in particular who love a good cry, this is excellent news when you’re after a stocking filler for a complete bastard. What’s even better is that if they call you up on your awful gift choice, you can feign ignorance and claim he’s your lowkey fave.
Anyone who has ever made something using glitter or bought those cheap ass baubles to decorate their tree this year will know the struggle of having to clean it all up again. Honestly, those pesky specks of coloured foil get completely everywhere, take it from someone who seemingly always has shiny silver glitter particles on their coat despite not coming into close contact with glitter for years. To add a little extra bite to this already infuriating present, rip a big hole in their vacuum cleaner bag.
You can get one from the good guys at Glitter Retribution.
Also by the team behind Glitter Retribution, you can now waste your enemies’ time by anonymously sending them a potato complete with a handwritten message. Although getting a spud in the mail may come to some use, see: any potato dish including chips, the utter confusion your target will go through is definitely worth the purchase.
Order Them A Pizza, But Don’t Pay
An absolute classic prank that never gets old, revamped for Christmas. At first they’ll be perplexed as to who their pizza had been ordered for before going completely nuts at the realisation that someone’s ordered takeaway in their name, and without paying. Chances are, they won’t have any cash to hand either.
For an extra layer of evil, order it from the most disgusting place that will deliver. That way, if they do purchase the pizza out of politeness, they’re stuck with some minging slop that they won’t even want. Do check that your chosen pizza place is open for the holidays before planning absolute sabotage.
The only thing more gross than maggots is nothing, just watch a split second this video of them gnawing through a man’s brain and you’ll be instantly convinced that they’re the worst things in the animal kingdom. This makes them an excellent candidate for an entirely disgusting Christmas gift and you can quite easily buy a bucket 500 of them on Amazon. Eww…
Probably don’t send this to a fishing enthusiast, as they’d take it as a genuine gift.
Whatever I say about this jug of 100% all natural wolf urine, definitely cannot be topped by this hilarious Amazon review:
One is immediately drawn to this vintage by the colour, which is an elegant, pale straw hue with an appealing peachy fruit on the nose. It has an incredibly effervescent bead — the whole glass teams with bubbles — culminating in a frothy layer at the head.
The palate has panache, with a firm, mineral acidity that cuts through a rather elegantly styled, poised meaty presence. As with most Chateau Deerbuster products, this has the signature leafy-fresh character, which softens into a slight rancid feel towards the end.
Even though it has a rather short and crisply defined finish, I still believe this has the composition and acidity to age well in the cellar of any self-respecting urine connoisseur.
7. Literal Shit
There’s honestly no shitter gift than actual shit. People always refer to bad things as being “shit” because of how shit, shit is which is why sending a box full of it is potentially the most horrific gift you can send anyone – besides maybe a severed horse head.
For just under 20 quid – you can totally ruin someone’s day by sending them a shit via SendShit.co.uk, you can even choose which animal to procure it from. Genius.
Got everything sorted for this holiday but need ideas for the next few celebrations? Well, check out this Sick Chirpse Valentine’s Day guide to buying terrible presents for your ex. Perfect for those who find themselves coldhearted after a brutal Winter rejection.
If you really want a really good gift guide though, check out the Dad’s Choice Awards.