We’ve all been to our fair share of house parties, they’re usually pretty shit and packed full of either overdressed girls, sweaty lads or that one awkward dude who’s never kissed a girl and stands in the corner with one beer which takes him the whole night to drink. However they’re a place to get drunk and dance so I’m not complaining really.
They’re also a great place to meet new people under stress-free, alcohol-induced comradeship.
Here are 7 characters that you’re likely to meet at every house party…
7. The Drug Dealer
A shifty character, this guy looks out of place in his scruffy jeans and grey hoodie. However the Drug Dealer doesn’t come to these shitty parties to have fun or get wavy, he comes because it’s packed full of stupid kids who are completely willing to spend £20 on 0.6 of shitty bush weed of a baggy full of crushed up paracetamol (which is still massively underweight).
He tends to be surrounded by groups of nervous looking girls, debating amongst themselves whether or not to pop that molly, and promising each other not to post pictures of their pupils on Instagram in case their parents find out. I mean it can’t go as badly as this, right? After the pact is made, clammy notes are exchanged and the troupe excitedly find a bathroom to consume their purchase.
The party ends unsurprisingly early, and the night is young, so the Drug Dealer leaves to peddle his wares elsewhere while you swing your jaw all the way to the next house…
6. The Early Puker
A guaranteed part of any house party, the Early Puker is someone who hasn’t yet mastered the art of pacing themselves. A bottle and a half of Jack Daniel’s by 9pm results in said person knelt before a toilet or propped up against a wall in the garden emptying the contents of their stomach. If it’s a guy, no sympathy will be found amongst friends with chants of “give him a fuckin’ spliff lad” replacing back rubbing or glasses of water, with abandonment occurring quickly afterwards. For girls, the struggle is less brutal and a small empathetic group can be found surrounding the unfortunate individual with make-up wipes, supportive smiles and compliments on the elegance with which the puking has been carried out.
Recovery is usually quick, with the Early Puker being greeted like a king as they emerge from their toilet kingdom, superior over their sober subjects. However the festivities are tinted with sadness, as everyone knows that they’ve ruined their chances of getting laid that night. The door has been opened for people who can actually handle their drink, and lets face it, no one wants to experience the horrors of vomit-flavoured kissing.
5. The Edgy Conversationalist (aka The Cunt)
The Edgy Conversationalist doesn’t dance, he’s too cool for that. He’s also too cool to socialise, drink or do anything but stand around talking about “things that actually fucking matter, man”. Standing near this guy will result in you being dragged into a conversation about Inuit Drum and Bass, because it’s “like well iceberg, yeah?”.
The Edgy Conversationalist spends most of his time outside, where he chain smokes and preaches like a strange mix of Martin Luther King and Hunter S. Thompson. Except this guy’s dream isn’t racial equality but the “changing of everyone’s names to Tarquin, because that shit is like, proper Casio.”
Unfortunately a reciprocal conversation is impossible, as he is completely blind to differing points of view. Any attempt to refute a point made will inevitably result in the waving of an arm and the turning of his back. Oh well.
4. The Lad
The Lad is your typical Saturday night warrior. Still sweaty from the pre-party gym sesh, The Lad is a raging hotpot of testosterone who’s only output for all his manliness is furious grinding on unsuspecting victims accompanied by chants of “LADS LADS LADS”. To him a party isn’t just a place to drink and have a good time, it’s a Colosseum in which to prove his worth before the rest of the pack. The pack is everything to The Lad, without his group of mates life just simply isn’t worth living. I mean, who else would he tag in LADBible posts? Or spot for him in the gym?
He usually dons a Hollister polo, not that it will stay on very long as flaunting his six pack is obligatory if The Lad wishes to maintain his alpha status amongst the group. Muscle mass aside, the other staple of The Lad’s night out are his “bevvies”. Usually Fosters, Carlsberg or Budweiser, no good lad is without his beer during a night out “on the pull”. You wouldn’t guess it however, as for some reason The Lad never develops a tolerance to his alcohol and is “absolutely red-signalled” after his 4th can of Fosters and wastes no time in telling everyone who will listen.
It doesn’t end with the party though, as your morning after Twitter feed will be packed full of lads swapping pictures and complaining about their hangovers. Only one way to cure that – Sunday morning gym sesh! LADS LADS LADS.
3. The Drunk Girl Who Loves Giving Head
Staggering around like a wounded animal, The DGWLGH throws herself at guys with a gusto rarely seen outside of professional sports. Alcohol has the power to completely remove any and all sense of dignity, leaving just the empty shell of a once respectable woman. Destined to wander the dance floor searching for companionship, The DGWLGH draws sympathetic smiles from friends and grimaces from acquaintances.
Sometimes she’ll meet a man as wasted as her. When this happens their drunken movements fall seamlessly in tune with one another, and a romance of sorts blossoms. At this point in time they’re perfect for one another, a real modern day Romeo and Juliet.
However what the guy doesn’t know is that he’s the 7th person to fall into the trap, and that his seemingly perfect partner is actually a borderline 5 who’s had 3 abortions. Peak.
2. The Nerd
The Nerd gets a lift from his Mum, and nervously enters the party clutching the 4 pack of Carlsberg she bought for him on the way. He then spends the entirety of the party pretending to enjoy drinking it, grimacing after every torturous sip. Unused to the scenario he finds himself in, he stands awkwardly by the wayside, shying away from the dance floor with the timidity of a small child at nursery for the first time.
However there is a reason The Nerd bothers to turn up to parties. He’s found that excessive alcohol consumption amongst his peers leads to acceptance of a sort, that his social ineptness becomes less of an issue when everyone he’s talking to is completely wasted. Like a bird learning how to fly, The Nerd uses this as a stepping stone in which to develop actual social skills. Occasionally he might attempt to pick up a girl, however with his lines being something like this, it usually doesn’t end up too well.
Unfortunately people say things they don’t mean when they’re drunk, and The Nerd finds out that the attractive girl proclaiming her love for his glasses isn’t his prospective partner. Unlucky mate.
1. The Preppy Prick
This bell end turns up to parties in the BMW his mum bought him for Christmas, and the outfit is the universal uniform that says ‘my Dad’s a barrister you peasant’.
He defines himself and everyone around him by the number of designer brands they’re wearing, so if you’re not donning Ralph Lauren jeans with a Jack Wills waistcoat don’t even think about starting a conversation with your filthy working class voice.
For some reason beyond everyone else, he doesn’t realise that actually, no one likes him, no one likes spending time with him and the only reason he’s got a somewhat attractive girlfriend is because his parents give him £200 a week. Instead of drinking beer like everyone else, the Preppy Pricks drink of choice is Prosecco. “It’s French you know?”. Fuck off.
The only positive that comes from this guy is the enjoyment to be found in his white boy dance moves. Complete and utter cock.
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