4) We Already Do It
Modern well mannered humans have been partaking in the softer edges of cannibalism for years. We just don’t call it that so it seems OK which is a typical human response — if we don’t think about it then we won’t get upset. It’s like people who won’t eat a fish if it has its head on it still. Utterly ridiculous. And even worse, people that won’t eat rabbits because they’re “cute” but are more than happy to tuck into a darling baby lamb. Morons.
Eating your placenta after giving birth – Placentophagy – is supposed to help ward off the baby blues, plenty of people do that. Some people eat their scabs (they’re delicious), dead skin, nails, bogies — it all counts as cannibalism, even if you’ve “only done it once for a dare”.
And let’s not forget, many of us drink our mother’s milk when we’re young. Does that count as cannibalism? I’m not sure, but it’s in the same ball park but maybe a different sport.
5) It’s Legal
Like guns and legal highs — they’re dangerous but they’re legal so you may as well get involved. Cannibalism, it may surprise you to know, isn’t illegal so crack on! Cannibals in jail have normally been tried for murder, defiling a corpse or other such crimes. So we don’t even need a change in legislation to get this cannibal rollercoaster on the road! Perfect!
6) Save money
Money is tight these days; we’re all feeling the pinch, so if a loved one dies maybe consider repurposing them as lunch? Grandma would last months in the freezer, she’d be pleased she was helping the family from the safety of the afterlife and she’d probably be no less tender than Asda’s Smart Price chicken tits. Nan probably counts as organic too. NOTE: remove dentures, pace makers and metal plates before microwaving.
So there we go people in Chirpse world, spread the good news. Finally I’ve come up with a workable solution to the issues of housing, the environment, deforestation, the turd economy and religious wars. No need to thank me, just get crackin’ on the human cracklin’.
