The past few weeks have seen an almighty upsurge in realty programming. It’s literally coming from every orifice of TV right now. As a result Sick Chirpse decided to go out and hunt down the most insane/appalling reality television that is about at the moment and then analyse the shit out of them.
TOP DOG MODEL
It was only a matter of time really. In a way I am surprised it hasn’t happened hitherto. But yes, Top Dog Model is here. A show set to take the world by storm. It involves dogs, their stupid owners and a reality format. That’s right folks, it is midweek ITV entertainment!
The Premise
A collection of dumb dog owners take their manicured canines to be assessed by a host of judges. One of them is an American dog agent called Addison Witt. Jesus Americans have hilarious names, but more on that later. He claims he is on this earth to make a dog’s dream come true. Funny, I didn’t think dogs dreamed about competing on televised pet pageants. I thought they probably dreamed about shoving their stupid doggy faces in bowls of Winalot and then humping the most squeamish human in the room.
Anyhow, other judges include the impenetrable/slight babe (I really can’t make up my mind on that one) Stacey Solomon. Oh yeh, Solomon is head judge because, just look at her, she obviously knows exactly what to look for in dog talent. The other judge, Lilah Something, doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry so, y’know, fuck talking about her.
Update: if the dogs get to the next stage of the show it’s called ‘Paw Camp’, like X Factor’s Boot Camp. Isn’t that just friggin adorable?
What’s Good About It?
Hmm, it depends what you define as ‘good’. I guess if you don’t consider having your brain turn into owl shit for an hour every Wednesday good then you probably won’t like this. Erm, did I mention it involves a top dog agent who has flown economy class all the way from America? Shouldn’t we pay this guy some respect for coming to all that effort? I think so.
What’s Bad About It?
It’s a show about dog modelling and is probably the number one reason why Al Qaeda hates the western world.
SING DATE
By now if you haven’t had the pleasure of watching Sing Date then you either have a full time job, self-respect or an active social life. Well I haven’t any of those things, so when I found out that there was to be a new show on Sky Living that could perhaps fill the void that Take Me Out and X Factor left, I rejoiced.
The Premise
Imagine if Dating in the Dark, X Factor, Blind Date and Take Me Out got a bit freaky in hot tub one night and then 9 months later one of the orgy’s participants popped out a lovechild. This is that lovechild. It involves a woman/man in search for a long term relationship. However, they don’t judge their potential beaus on stupid stuff like similar personalities or things in common but on whether they can sing a duet together. The initial round sees aforementioned spinster/bachelor sing a duet over their laptop with three hopefuls and it is usually a wonderful eighties ballad. After which they have to decide on one of them to share a date with. “What is their date?” I hear you ask. Well it’s in a London studio which makes it the fanciest game of Karaoke ever played.
What’s Good About It?
I like it because it just feels like TV executives aren’t trying anymore, which makes me think that even I could get an idea made just by throwing two words together and seeing if it sticks. Other ideas that came before it include ‘Dance Cash’ (where contestants have to learn dance routines whist trying to catch five pound notes that are thrown at them by members of the pitying audience), ‘Food Croon’ (where daters have to sing chart hits whilst eating their favourite meal and then are judged on its entertainment value) and ‘Cat Court’ (a show where a shit load of unneutered cats are shoved in a contained space with catnip and contestants bet on which of the females will be impregnated first).
What’s Bad About It?
At times, especially during the live duets, it is so wincingly awful I feel like my organs will start to fail if I endure anymore. But they don’t and I watch episode after episode. By the way, if any employers are reading this, yes I am available for work.
FULL METAL JOUSTING
The History Channel is notable for two things: an unhealthy obsession with the Second World War and wacky conspiracy documentaries, usually with a investigation into the possibility that ancient aliens came and built all the old monuments and shit around the world. Actually, sometimes they combine both subject matters and make triumphs of television such as Nazi UFOs. So yes, there are three things that the History Channel is renowned for.
Wait no; they also broadcast Deadliest Warrior, perhaps the greatest documentary programme that focuses on pitched battles between two different modes of fighting from two different time periods. My personal favourite being the terrorist special: the IRA of the eighties versus the Taliban of the noughties. Superb viewing for all involved. Anyway, I’ve deviated from what I am about to announce. Basically, prepare for your mindholes to be blown once more by the History Channel’s output. Get ready to have your days filled with the latest in competitive medieval combat-based reality television, I present to you: Full Metal Jousting.
I assume in Deadiest Warrior’s suggestion box there were two main submissions: ‘make the fighting real’ and ‘make the fighting medieval and shit’ and that is EXACTLY what the producers of FMJ have done, to brilliant effect.
The Premise
Apparently 16 of the “toughest warriors in the world” are split into two teams of eight: the Red Team and the Black Team. And these are the greatest people on earth because they’re crazy Americans; they sincerely shout ‘Ye-Ha’ a lot and have weird American names like London Morris and Rope Myers. Yeah that’s right, Rope. That is the first name of someone. A mother and father both literally agreed on calling their child Rope and got away with it. I guess there was nowhere else for someone called Rope to go but to joust on cable television. Anyway, the teams have to battle it out against each other until there is one winner who goes home with a cool hundred thousand dollars. And they definitely deserve it because people on the show get really messed up. I mean just look at how much of a baller ‘Josh K’ looks:
The point system is as follows:
1 point for hitting your opponent with the tip of your lance
5 points for an impact that breaks your lance
And finally
10 points for unhorsing your opponent.
What’s Good About It?
Because people get fucked up with medieval instruments.
What’s Bad About It?
There is nothing bad about this show. It was what television was made for. Just look at this shit!
If you already knew about this programme then you’re probably a culturally enriched badass right now because the show is just awesome. And if you haven’t had the pleasure of watching FMJ yet then grab a six pack, acquire some nachos and sit back and enjoy the greatest thing since Pets Win Prizes.
Well that’s all from me today. I hope you found this educational and stimulating. Anyway, I’m off to annoy the shit out of X Factor hopefuls on Twitter. That’s my life! See ya!
(For more on my life as a Twitter harrasser, add me: @JosephTinkler. Also, don’t forget to follow @sickchirpse too)
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