CHIRPSES

Worst Possible Date Ever

You probably don’t want to get diarrhea on a first date, but if you do you probably want to handle it a lot better than this guy did.

The turd wouldn’t ****ing dissolve… and the damn bish was asking me wtf I’m doing showering in her washroom….

I then answer “yea lol… I’m showering… is that ok?”…

She says: what the hell? why?? you don’t think we’re having sex do you???

At this point I can’t even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

She then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke… get out of there!!

I say: no please don’t come in… I’m not done yet…

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing sh!t smelling vapours all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid… the girl could smell it and she said: “why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???”

I say: please don’t come in… trust me.. you’ll regret it…

She says: **** this… get out now or I’m unlocking the door..

I beg her not too… but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can… I was so ****ing embarassed… I started shivering… she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers… “wtf did you do???”…she was starting to cry… I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself “I tried my best … I… I’m sorry”… She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she’s calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper… pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odour. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor… I’m literally crying at that point… I look for the plunger but I couldn’t find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet…I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf… she’s crying… as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now… I try to explain that the toilet is clogged… but she doesn’t let me … she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now… she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave… I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the washroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad). 

to all you people saying “peeing in bottles is stupid/gross”… well **** that… not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one….

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle… I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster… no mess…. and none of this would have happened.

Anyway… should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?”

 

Wow – pretty intense. This story led me to add a number of different questions about the author though:

1) Why the hell would you post this on the internet

2) Why the hell would you add stupid diagrams to better explain this story that is already chronically embarrassing you?

3)  Do bodybuilders really find it so hard to pick up chicks?

4) Why the hell would someone carry around a cup to piss in?

5) What the hell does somebody do with that cup after they’ve pissed in it?

6) Where the hell do they store this cup? In their pockets?

7)  Did this guy write this story with the sole intention of implying he had a big dick that couldn’t fit in the toilet bowl?

8)  What the hell was this guy thinking anyway? With the whole incident?

9) Why didn’t he just pick up the turds and throw them in the toilet (like he did anyhow) when he couldn’t dissolve them?

10) Why does the girl have an outside key to get into the bathroom? That’s creepy.

I guess some of these questions might have been answered in the 51 pages of the thread that followed the initial story but I couldn’t be bothered to wade through them. If you’re interested check out the original post HERE.


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