Before we start ROFLing at crap bands, I want to make it clear that I don’t hate these people, they’re having fun and it’s up to us whether we listen.
My first band was god awful, as most people’s first bands are. We went under various monikers including Mental Floss, Naughty Snail, Chunder Storm and best of all Slaps Imaginary Band – due to my disproportionately sized forehead and the fact that no one believed I was in a band.
So before laughing at others I want you to take the time to laugh at what I looked like back then. I am only thankful that the internet had not yet been invented at this point.
Right, now you’ve laughed at me I can laugh at these talentless gimps with impunity. These plums are playing to some bemused school kids, the female vocalist starts it all of by saying -“With metal, anything is possible.” So I think to myself, “well… she’s off to a good start. I was wrong, very wrong. Check out the dipsticks dancing on the stage too. The band seem to be doing some sort of metal montage with riffs from different songs wrenched together to create a super-awful Frankenstein’s monster of a noise. Literal cack.
The following rock band do not have the excuse of being youngsters. They have obviously been around the block. The guitar player is so shabby that even his own band mate gives him a thorough, hard boiled slap at the end of the gig. He really does deserve it too.
I was pretty stunned when I watched these guys stabbing “Eye Of The Tiger” to death. It’s just so badly played that I can barely find the words to describe it. The only thing that is worse than dog shit is human dog shit, if human dog shit were in a band it would sound like this. And the vocals…. jeeeez.
Just for you, here’s some Russian youths who haven’t figured out what being in tune is supposed to sound like, playing “The Final Countdown”. Awful, awful, awful. The kid on the left seems like he kind of knows what’s going on, the singer can sort of hold a note but Lord only knows what the girl guitarist thinks she is doing?
I have to stop writing this article now, I am losing the will to listen to music. It has ruined music for me. These next fuckers don’t realise that you’re supposed to play together when you are in a band. It’s not a race. What are you doing? What are you DOING? I don’t want to recommend you watch all of this, but once you’ve dried the initial puke from your crotch, skip it to 5 minutes in and enjoy the vocal free style. Unbelievable.