Until today I didn’t know that a wide range of weird underwear existed around the world. I mean, I knew about the mankini, and stuff like nipple tassels, but underwear for your car? Really? Underwear designed for gamer geeks and 2-in-1 pairs of pants? Weird I tell ya. Here’s our list of the world’s weirdest underwear (In case you were wondering, the car-thong pictured above is from Russia, of course):
This underwear is made from a recycled soft drink can. You could also make one out of a recycled beer can if you wanted. Now, recycling is great, we should all do it more, but getting small jagged cuts all over your cock and vag isn’t cool. And can you imagine wearing these things on a long day at the office? They’d be the most uncomfortable thing ever. Surely the designer of these soda can pants was not thinking about comfort when they devised this stupid idea for underwear.
I like to call these the ‘cringe pants’. As you can see, this pair of underwear nicely points out that the way to a man’s heart is through his dick. Meaning, if you want a guy to like you, you’re gonna have to suck him off or fvck him. Sorry, but if you really think you’re going to get to the next base after the girl you’ve picked up from Tiger Tiger sees you wearing these, you’re fvcking deluded. More of a novelty item that should probably be left for stag dos and at the bottom of your underwear draw. Sick Chirpse never, ever, recommends purchasing these cringe worthy monstrosities.
Ah, the good old emergency underpants. I bet there’s been a few times in our lives when we’ve needed a pair of these! I’m talking to you girls too. When you’ve either not shaken enough after a piss and ended up with yellow stained CKs, or when you’ve sharted yourself after that vindaloo and 6 pints of Stella (shat & farted), you probably would have given your left arm for a pair of these. I knew a guy who once followed through in the pub due to a case of the squits and had to resort in leaving his shit ridden boxers behind the toilet in the disabled cubicle. Unlucky for him, and the next person to use that cubicle.
Ah fundie undies! What ever genius came up with this design should receive a pat on the back. No sorry, I mean which ever twat came up with this design should receive a slap in the kisser – what the fvck were you thinking? First up, how do you even get into these without enduring 5 minutes of embarrassment? Secondly, it’s that same old story of would you really pull these out and suggest you and your new partner give them a shot? Thirdly, doggy style is a no-no, and who wants that ruled out? As you can also see the packaging says that these fundies come with 4 legs and 2 rear and I don’t have a fvcking clue what that means.
Trust Japan to come up with a crazy bat-shit idea for some underwear. Check out this girl with her Sushi bra on, conveniently holding a couple of chop sticks in the side pocket and a bowl of rice and miso soup in the cup compartments. Blatant racism or what! Imagine if you bought this for your Japanese girlfriend for Christmas and what her Dad would think of you after she opened it in front of the family. It’d be like buying a black person a bra with two buckets of KFC in, or a white person a bra that holds an eggs Benedict and a cup of earl grey – not cool. This underwear is also completely unpractical. Imagine trying to wear this bra under your dress without making a mess. You’d have soya sauce stains everywhere, and they really are the worst to get out.
I don’t really know what to call this piece of kit. It’s made for men, or women with cocks, and it looks like the bit that goes in your ass crack is made of wire. I presume that this would be worn by mail strippers or butlers in the buff, and yeah, it probably fits their job role pretty well, but as something that you’d wear at the office, I don’t think it’s gonna cut it. It’s also making me feel sick just looking at it so I’m going to move on.
This pair of geek undies made from circuit boards would give you the same problem as the pants made of a recycled can – think of the cuts. Also imagine if your foreskin got stuck in between a couple of the boards and you ripped them off hastily because you were about to hook up with a Dragon Ball Z chick look-a-like. You’d be out of action that night fo’sure. Also how do you even get these things on and off? Do they have an elastic waist band around the top? Stuff like this needs to be thought about properly before people just go and design stupid ass computer circuit underwear.
Finally we have the good ol’ faithful granny pants. But not just the oversize period pants you girls wear when mother nature’s visiting (God that fvcking advert always comes on when I’m eating dinner) – we’re talking about some pants that your granny actually knitted for you. Mega warm and comfy, especially in the winter months, but a massive turn off to say the least, and the VPL situation would be dire. Avoid at all costs.