Video Games: Tomb Raider Review

Tomb Raider

Sick Chirpse takes a peek at the best boobs in the gaming business with this review of Tomb Raider.

Tomb Raider

To be honest I don’t really know much about Tomb Raider. I have never had much interest in the games and the only time I ever played it was because of the rumour… You all heard it in school, a legend so grand it echoed across the nerdiverse. It was said that if the first Tomb Raider was completed in less than one hour you got a secret code that let you see Lara Croft naked!

That’s right, 24 bit boobs all square and giant- when you’re 8 this is like some kind of forbidden nirvana. I borrowed the game from my friend and, with the full might of my pre-pubescent squeaky voice, I vowed to complete that game in under an hour. Several hours later I was still stuck on the first jungle bit; you go up the tree, into the dark Aztec tomb and you’re killed by a lizard immediately. Every time! Damn this game was hard, so I took a cold shower and waited 15 years for the next release.

Tomb Raider

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First things first, Lara Croft is now fit, I mean super fit, I mean super pull your pants down and weep at her in her full HD glory fit! So it stands to reason that as soon as you start playing this game you don’t want her to die or any harm to come to her ever. Feminists around the world will applaud as this slender, small boobed, intelligent woman fights men at their own game and comes out on top time and time again.

However, I feel they will be slightly let down as she ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaahs’ through the game with her arse being the main focal point of the camera during the climbing bits. It seems a rather conflicted message as you’re shown Lara plotting a course on a map as grizzled sailors nod in approval and then, two seconds later, she’s falling in slow motion with the camera shoved firmly down her top.

The story is the origin of Lara Croft as she travels off to the ‘Dragon’s Triangle’ with her band of multicultural companions. It struck me as a bit weird that she needed every ethnicity to travel with her, including a stereo-typical Samoan guy who can cook fish, and even a drunken, fighting Irish man makes an appearance.

As I haven’t had much experience with the games, I imagined they would be much like the films… shit. I was proved wrong though and I felt myself enjoying it, the survival aspect is a bit of a gimmick, but it felt gritty and realistic and you could tell Square Enix had gone to great lengths to Nolanize this new instalment.

The weird part of the game is how much Lara’s supposed to survive. I mean there’s only so much one person can take and I would have thought that whilst sliding down a mountain she’d at least snag her leg on a tree or something.  Lara will survive everything and in the end you will purposely kill her, as I did, by throwing her off a cliff. She’s not that good a survivor.

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Tomb Raider trailer - video
As I fell deeper and deeper in love with Lara, her climbing and zip-lining abilities, the fact that she’s not bothered by a little rain, the fact that her tank top is dirtier than Bruce Willis’…. Hold on a minute this woman’s not English. The voice actress, it turns out, is ‘English’. She’s from Ascot. But, she lives in Los Angeles, where I assume she’s lived her entire life, so she’s got one of those garbled half English accents that makes her sound like the royal family’s drunken arse tickling butler.

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Anyway, the game isn’t bad and if Lara’s perfection can’t make you buy this game then you’re probably a wanker. Or not, as the case may be. Check out some footage below:

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