5 Tips That Are Guaranteed To Help You Through Trump’s Presidency

It’s time to stop crying over spilt hair gel.

Stop whining everybody! If you keep whining, you’re going to whine so much that you may even get tired whining. No, it’s time to turn that frown upside down and get on with the incredibly vague task of making America great again.

Here are a few practical tips to help you get started.

Take climbing lessons


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Not only is it a good exercise but it may soon become a necessary requirement for international travel. Apparently, Canada is going to build a wall too. Also, while we’re on the subject, why not start investing in concrete and cement? The prices are bound to go up. Ok, I think this joke’s run its course.

Marry an American


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Always wanted to go out with one of those spunky Californian girls, but always felt intimidated by their demonstrative character and lack of sexual repression? Or always fancied getting with one of those cocky 7-foot tall midwestern hunks, the ones with the good skin and immaculate teeth, but always thought they were way out of your league because they are so confident, funny, friendly, fit and outdoorsy; while all you do is bitch, smoke and eat biscuits?

Well now you have the upperhand. Since Trump’s victory, many Americans have become desperate to emigrate, and your passport holds the key. This is your chance; don’t blow it!

Also, if you do manage to wed an American, you’ll be in a great position to move across the pond in four year’s time when Kanye West gets elected. Then you will be able to live out the rest of your days in the land of the free, where the sunny weather is as limitless as the soda refills.

Boycott the Trump Corporation


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There’s been a lot of spontaneous protesting around the US over Trump’s victory. But if you really want to make an impact you should strategically picket his hotels and golf courses. Hit him where it hurts: his wallet. A few well publicised protests outside “Trump International Golf Links Scotland” would surely be enough to put most players off.

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em


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What the mainstream press have been desperate to keep from you since the beginning of Trump’s campaign is the fact that he actually has quite a few good “policies.”

He has said, for example, he is against the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership: a mysterious and highly secretive trade deal between the US and Europe. No one seems to know exactly what it is, but reports suggest that it will allow large corporations to avoid national laws and even sue Governments if they pass laws that might affect profits. No major party in the UK or the US wants to talk about this and of course neither does the media. Obama was (and probably still is) for the the deal, the Republican party in general is for the deal and Clinton was also for the deal until Trump started to bring it up during his campaign. If nothing else, we can support Trump in scrapping this deal by putting pressure on our own Government to do the same.

Americans can also push for Trump to sort out corruption in Washington as he has claimed he will. And remind him to force rich people like himself to pay their taxes.

Never let this happen again

Republican presidential candidate, Donald Trump holds a plane-side rally at Youngstown-Warren Regional Airport in Vienna, Ohio, Monday, March 14, 2016. (AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar)

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I’ve listened to both Republicans and Democrats bitch about how much they hate their own candidates for years, but then Donald Trump came along and suddenly everything changed. By ratcheting up all the classic fearmongering and bigotry that the Republicans have been peddling for years, Trump was able to easily out do his rivals in the hate stakes. But the key to his success was that instead of arbitrarily marrying these views with neoliberal policies on free trade and deregulation, as the mainstream Republican party are wont to do; he instead offered left-wing policies such as investing in infrastructure and protecting workers’ rights.

He, in effect, beat the complacent Democrats at their own game. When Clinton attacked him on being sexist or racist or crooked or evil or whatever, he managed to worm his way out of it by bringing up her emails or her husband or the things she had said about Obama in the previous campaign. But when he attacked her on job security, taxes and Wall Street (on issues that actually affect people’s lives), she had no come back.

In the card game Bridge, a trump card is one that can win a hand despite being weaker and of the wrong suit. The Democratic Party got trumped big time and they only have themselves to blame.


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There was of course one Democratic candidate who did have the radical anti-establishment, anti-big business policies that America was crying out for. And moreover, he wasn’t a bigoted multi-millionaire property developer. Of course, I’m talking about the unelectable, Bernie Sanders. The only man in America more unelectable than the unelectable Donald Trump. All the experts thought so, all the journalists said it. So just imagine how much he would have won by if he’d been allowed to run.

And Allowed is the correct word here, for it shouldn’t be forgotten that the Democratic National Committee (DNC) conspired to sabotage Sanders campaign in order to secure Clinton as the nominee. There was a lot of anger about it at the time by Bernie fans and nonpartisan Democrats alike, but in the end most let it slide on the basis that Clinton was the safer option, the more electable candidate. And if they were going to be up against Trump then it was better to be safe than sorry. 

But the unelectability argument is a self fulfilling prophecy. Some media mogul somewhere decides a candidate is unelectable and then gets their newspapers to say that is so. The public then begin to believe this to be the case and a feedback loop begins, and then and only then does the candidate actually become unelectable. And when a candidate like Clinton has so much of the mainstream press supporting her, you have to wonder who is starting these feedback loops.

The single most amazing thing about the whole election was that Trump supporters just didn’t buy it. Despite everything that was thrown at the them, they either never wavered in their conviction that Trump could win or they just didn’t care about winning anymore.

So the next time you come across a candidate who you would actually, genuinely like to vote for, and some supposedly well-informed hater starts giving you the old “they are unelectable,” “the press are against them,”  “you need to cling to the centre,” argument, just remind them again of Clinton verses Trump.

Speaking of unelectable politicians, here’s what Jeremy Corbyn thinks of Trump and Sanders.


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