If you’ve ever been busting for the loo in town (especially after a few drinks on a Friday night), then you’ll know that public toilets are never close enough. They just aren’t. It doesn’t matter where you are – they always feel like they’re slightly out of reach. We can probably attribute this to there being nowhere near enough of the public porcelain thrones around nowadays.
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When you do eventually find one they’re usually not in the best state. Dead homeless people floating in a blocked up urinal, a giant and sickeningly pungent specimen in every bowl and a piss soaked floor seem to be homogenous with the majority of public W/Cs. Nevertheless, most of us still put ourselves through the torture of enduring these hellish environments, because – well, the alternative is dropping one in public, and most of us aren’t into that (shout out to you kinky public defecators, though).
So, understandably, people in the small Lanarkshire town of Hamilton were pretty pissed (pardon the pun) when Labour councillor Jackie Burns oversaw the closure of several public toilets earlier this year. He announced the closure in May, stating that it was due to budget constraints:
Unfortunately, as part of the Scottish Government’s financial settlement, South Lanarkshire Council has had to cut £22 million from its budget, which has resulted in all public conveniences in the council closing.
Now, first things first, Jackie – you’ve got a girl’s name, mate. Sort that out before you start worrying about anything else. Secondly, what a dick move: how can you just take away public toilets? They’re not really dispensable amenities. Did he think people were just going to stop having bowel movements to politely accommodate for his own failed budgeting? That their bladders would shrivel to the size of a raisin and start recycling water instead? Well worry not, because he just got his comeuppance. And it was in the most beautifully ironic way imaginable; by getting booked for public urination.
I was in a taxi rank at the Bottom Cross in Hamilton and needed the toilet. I went down a lane to relieve myself and was approached by police, who gave me a £40 fine which I have duly paid. I am embarrassed by the incident and have apologised.
Imagine how humiliated he must have been when the cop tapped him on the shoulder – quite literally caught with his pants down. I guess he must have missed this video on how to piss in public the right way.