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Survey Says That People Who Masturbate Regularly Are More Likely To Be Managers

Better start jackin’ it if you want that promotion.

Ever thought about the characteristics you need to make it into a senior role within your company? No doubt you have, but you might be surprised to hear that apparently a whole bunch of managers have one inherent character trait that takes you to the top of the game – they’re all serial masturbators.

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The news comes courtesy of a survey commissioned by Univia, who surveyed just over 1000 people about their wanking habits, finding that those who pleasured themselves at least once a week were more likely to have a job, more likely to hold a management position and more likely to earn a higher salary. Apparently there’s a link between those that take time for self love and those that have progressed in their career:

The experts at Univia had the following to say about the study:

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The boost in self-confidence that masturbation was previously shown to cause may be one major contributor to higher paychecks, for it can take a certain amount of confidence and bravery to ask your boss for a raise.

In other words, masturbation may be correlating with the self-confidence boost needed to ask your supervisor to pay for what you deserve.

OK so it kinda seems like all I need to do to get a raise is to crack one off in the work toilets and march right up to my boss and ask for one hey? I mean that might be pushing it a bit but hey, I’m not an expert from Univia so what do I know?

To be honest the whole study seems a bit flawed to me. I don’t exactly bring up the subject of masturbating too often but I’m fairly certain that most people I know do it at the very least once a week – some probably even do it once a day – and they’re not all managers so I’m not really buying these theories. I think Univia probably have to think about whether people are going to admit how many times they masturbate a week in an anonymous survey because my guess is that they probably aren’t and that’s going to skew your whole data. Just saying – once a week seems like a comically low number.

For more of the same, check out these experts who think we should be masturbating at work as well. I’m liking what these experts are saying but I’m just not buying it.

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