I’ve never been one for cars. Any one will do. My first car was an absolute wreck and I spent more money on it in the garage on repairs than it cost me in the first place. It was a nasty little thing, smelt like Wotsits and damp and you really had to chug the handbrake up to make it stay and the right side of the car always creaked like a wooden floorboard when I was going around a roundabout, it sounded as if it was gonna split into two at any moment. It also had some weird little button on the side by the steering wheel and the ignition; you had to turn your keys and press that button for the thing to gag into some sort of life and it was only after owning the car for a year that someone told me that button was designed for people who have trouble with their legs or are disabled. I thought it was a normal feature of the car.
After driving it around for two years, it finally died on a bypass when I was driving at like 9PM and changed into fourth and the car made a spitting-clicking sound and all the electric went off and then all the power went off and I had no control over the car and had to pull into the side of the road just to slow down with the traffic passing me by inches and beeping constantly, pretending they were taxi drivers in London or New York. I couldn’t remember who my insurance was with (did I have any?!) so the police had to tow me into a lay-by while the moon got colder and my nipples got harder. The car was a Clio. I don’t miss it, but I do miss how comfy it was in the backseats when you were giving her one. Anyone with a Clio knows how good the backseats are, it’s the only reason anyone buys the cars.
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So, yeah, I don’t really understand all these guys who get stiff for modifying their Ford Escorts and making them look like some really cheap knock-offs of Transformers stunt cars. Instead of paying £ for an oversized exhaust that sounds like it’s blowing up your car and for extra-shiny alloys that glint like Donald Trump’s smile, why not spend the cash on losing your virginity in a brothel or buying some proper green or just going out with your boys, letting loose and getting drunk as fuck? It’s the way to do it. You won’t be so uptight.
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But, I gotta say, if this drove past me on the roads then my life would be that % better. Because it’s not everyday you get to see an outhouse toilet with an engine and wheels speed past you, is it? With the driver looking like some diehard fan of ZZ Top, everything about this is pretty awesome and I like cars that much more now. It looks like it belongs in some Playstation game as a special unlockable item or something.