Stoptober: A Guide For Partakers And Non-Partakers




Every once in a while, some ‘cool and hip’ PR guy invents a 30-day event and forces the general public to play along. It happened in November a couple of years back when people started growing all kinds of cool and exciting moustaches. Well I didn’t, mainly because I couldn’t. I recall a moment in my second year of university when all the guys started to grow their facial hair into whacky patterns and shape as the penultimate month of the year began. I could only watch from the sidelines, like a beardless footballer who’d been given a 12-game suspension for attacking half of Man City. “Hey, are you not getting involved in Movember bro?” was a question I’d routinely receive, to which I would sheepishly reply, “No” and then scuttle off into my room and look at magazine pictures of soft-faced ladies and gently sob.

It was at this precise moment where I made a vow to myself that I would hate every monthly holiday that would come along in the future. I didn’t even care if it would help save the rainforest or stop people killing beautiful puppies that had the potential to end up as a charming YouTube video. I would abscond from such occasions.

☛ More: Movember’s Moustache Madness

So, it is the beginning of October and what are we faced with (instead of the usual pondering of theories of what your hot lady friends are going to wear for Halloween)? A stupid campaign to convince people to stop smoking. Great, the one thing that proves that I am a grown-up real person is being used against me in a bid to save the nation from serious and harmful diseases. Spoil sports, right? Because of this, I have devised some methods for both sects of smokers (those taking part and those watching in gaiety) to get through this Autumnal month.


Pig Out

Sorry, but let’s face it, this month will forever be known as the ‘the month where you ballooned into a flabby, melted form of your previous self’. When you stop smoking, you’re appetite increases and you reach for the snacks. Well, if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, so why not go absolute crazy on the nosh. I’m talking fry-ups for Breakfast, McDonald’s for lunch, Dominos for Tea and a constant supply of share-size bags of Walkers sensations. You owe it yourself to get fat and everyone will love you for it.

Take Up Some Kind Of Fun Hobby Like Gambling

You’re going to be irritable but you will have a little bit more money than usual. Sure, whilst you’re buying Percy Pigs or oven-cook pizzas, you could have a punt on the Lotto or Euromillions, but you almost definitely won’t win. You will, however, have more luck if you head down to the dodgiest looking casino in your town.  Why not make a night of it? If you win big then you can start buying expensive junk food to feast upon like Pizza Express. Imagine that! Eating at Pizza Express and even having a starter. “Three rounds of Dough balls, please”.

Watch The Friends Episodes Where Chandler Gives Up Smoking And Use It For Visual Support.

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I think most agree that some of the funniest episodes of Friends were the early ones where Chandler was the king of cynical one-liners. One of the greatest plotlines for Chandler at this time was his struggle with smoking. If you keep watching these then you may well get through this month with Chandler, whilst hating everyone around you.


Text Pictures Of You Smoking To Partakers

If you smoke and you’re not taking part then chances are you think that those committing to it are a bunch of whiny losers who want to live longer than you. Well, the best thing to do to them is send them a constant barrage of pictures of you sucking on a snout from across every media channel. Don’t send one of you coughing a lung up; make sure in the snaps that you look like you’re having a ball. Everyone thinks they look like a bawse when they smoke, so show this off with a stunning Hollywood pose.

Text Pictures Of Attractive Film Stars Smoking To Partakers

If the previous idea didn’t work then it’s time to up the ante and send them pictures of hot, famous people doing it. They look better than you and smoke better than you. They are just better than you. However, you’re better than the guy who is receiving the texts. Always remember that, especially when the odd person refers to you as a meddling little jerk.

Text Pictures Of Monkeys Smoking To Partakers

“Hey, look at this little monkey enjoying life and not thinking about the risks. This could be you but you’re a quitter,” is something you can text alongside videos or pictures of monkeys smoking. Fact: monkeys are cool and so is smoking. If you amalgamate the two then you’re going to really annoy Stoptoberists. I’m sure I read a story a few years back about a tortoise that smokes. Send them that picture too. Tortoises live for years so it discredits their “smoking kills” theory. Maybe.

☛ More: How To Handle Being Too high

Hide Partakers Smoking Patches And Other Paraphernalia

As it is October, it is surely the month of mischief so surely a little bit of hi-jinks wouldn’t go a miss. Tomfoolery is something that those giving up cigarettes love nothing more. So hide their stuff in places that that’ll take ages to find. Or, if you want to achieve a bigger laugh, and indeed the respect of the quitter, shove it all down the toilet and film it. The next day, during their usual fag break at work, text that footage over. They will really think you’re hilarious.

Listen To Songs That Heavily Reference Smoking Around Partakers

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Nothing hurts more than wanting to join Snoop or Willie Nelson in songs about getting smoked out but you can’t. So take that pain you’ve experienced when you couldn’t smoke in the house  (probably when you lived with your parents and just had to pretend you were a blunt-smokin’ gangster before coming down for dinner and acting you’re normal middle class self), and channel it into hurting others.

So, that was a rough guide into how to survive this dreadful month. I hope it will be helpful to those on both sides.  I like to think I was fair and balanced and treated both camps with equal respect. The only thing we have to look forward to now is the Sick Chirpse party and, of course, the almighty end-of-month climax that is, Halloween. Jesus, I can’t imagine how crazy it’s going to be that night on the 31st when it turns midnight. I assume a collection of the UK will take a large puff before breathing out, “aaaaaaaaaah” in unison, which will sound a little ghoulish and will probably freak the hell out of the elderly — another sect of society that we should all hate. Anyway, have a beautiful day and wonderful evening! See ya.



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