So if for some reason like me you follow a bunch of loses on twitter and have somehow amassed over 1000 friends on Facebook despite only like about 10% of them (yeah yeah I know I could delete people but I feel like Facebook culling is just so unnecessary. I mean the effort it goes to delete someone isn’t that huge but it just feels so final, y’know and when I find out people have deleted me it’s just like why the fvck did you do that, was it really that much trouble to be friends with me on a social media site for you? But I digress.) then you’ll probably have noticed that Starbucks have brought out their red cups today and everyone is completely losing their shit over it. If you’re anything like me then you’ll be pretty fvcking annoyed about all these crappy photographs of them appearing everywhere on your feed too.
Now, I don’t really like coffee and if I did I probably wouldn’t get it from Starbucks so maybe I’m not the best person to comment on this but seriously, how can so many people get so excited about the colour of some fvcking cups? I mean you do get those new flavour coffee drinks (wow?) but is it really that exciting, REALLY? Judging by my twitter feed it seems like it’s the most exciting thing that happens all year for some people. Check out some of these dweebs:
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Gotta comment on this one…you’ve got an Xmas tree at your desk already bitch? It’s the fvcking 2nd of November you twat.
Depressingly that tweet from that dipshit Harry Styles from One Direction has over 15,000 retweets, but then I guess everything he ever tweets probably has a similar response because everyone in the world is so in love with him and that loveable mop.
But yeah are red cups really so exciting that there needs to be a website called countdowntoredcups.com (that’s an actual URL and website that probably gets 10X the traffic of Sick Chirpse on a bad day) and every single Starbucks has to have a big sign saying ‘X days until Red Cups’ in the window? Surely I can’t be alone in thinking that it’s ridiculous that this is the phenomenon that people are super excited about in a week that features Halloween, Bonfire Night, the release of Skyfall (almost as tragic to be honest but I’m just throwing it in there because it’s clearly more exciting than some fvcking cups) and a Juma Phist gig in Dalston? I’m not saying my life is super interesting – far from it – but surely there must be something in people’s lives that they can get more excited about than a red fvcking cup right?
Unfortunately, tt doesn’t seem that way though at all. There are a couple of people in my feed sharing similar comments (I said I liked a few of them) but most people are too busy instagramming pictures of their red cups. Or of them drinking from their red cups. Heads up idiots: all the red cups are the fvcking same. You taking a picture of a fvcking red cup is not going to be any different from any of the other morons doing it, except maybe if it has a picture of your fat ugly face in it, although maybe you’ll look like more of a twat in your picture. Nah screw that you definitely will. Here’s a few of the best (BEST!?!?!?) pictures I’ve been blessed with seeing today. Which one do you think is the best? I’ll give you a clue – there is no best picture because they’re ALL THE FUCKING SAME:
What a crock of shit. Admittedly the one with the Christmas tree is slightly more original than the rest BUT THEN YOU REALISE IT’S THE START OF FUCKING NOVEMBER AND THEY HAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS TREE UP ALREADY AND YOU LOSE THE WILL TO LIVE.
Not only do we have to contend with all these stupid pictures now all over the fvcking place whenever we turn a computer on, we also have to deal with a bunch more excited tweets about how fvcking stoked people are about their stupid red cups from people who don’t have instagram yet. You would think they had been reunited with their estranged daughter after Hurricane Sandy the way some of these morons are banging on about them. There are also some of the worst examples of hashtags I have ever seen too:
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Fvcking depressing right? I haven’t even mentioned the fact that a month ago everyone was screwing about the fact that Starbucks hadn’t payed their taxes and people were calling for them to be boycotted blah blah blah, then they bring out their red cups a little earlier and everyone is back to fvcking buzzing off them. People are so dumb/fickle. I think I might actually start deleting some people today after writing all this.
Incidentally apparently an eggnog latte (which sounds fvcking disgusting anyway) has double the fat in it of a McDonald’s double cheeseburger, so you can bet all these twats talking about red cups are gonna be the same ones talking about their diets in the New Year and how they ‘put on so much weight over xmas and now it’s time to trim down. blah blah blah’ and then you’ll probably get daily updates about how their diet is going either complimented by figures if they’re a good dieter or punctuated by stories about how they ran XXX in the gym today so are rewarding themselves with a slice of chocolate cake or a McDonald’s or a Starbucks or whatever. Maybe they’ll even instagram that shit too. Fvck, people are so predictable and I hate it.
Oh yeah, and all the people that are saying it’s not the holiday season until Starbucks bring out their red cups are fvcking stupid. Sure, I think last year they came out towards the end of November which I think you can just about get away as classing as the beginning of the holiday season but it’s the start of November, not the holiday season you idiots. @staceysogard take the fvcking Christmas tree off your desk already seriously. Everyone knows it’s only the holiday season when the Coca Cola advert hits the TV anyway.