Someone’s Written An Open Letter To Mark Zuckerberg From The POV Of His Baby

Mark Zuckerberg's Baby

Mark Zuckerberg just got shutdown by his own baby.

Mark Zuckerberg is the guy who’s got everything. He’s loaded, he’s the owner of one of the most successful companies on the planet, he’s got a wife and on top of that he’s just had a baby.

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I don’t know whether having a baby is a good thing or a bad thing. I think it very much depends on the place you’re in at the time of its arrival (the place in your life, I mean, not just generally). But either way, Zuckerberg seemed pretty stoked about it in a post that he made to his own Facebook account. He wrote the post in the form of a letter to his newborn and it goes on a bit (over 2000 words, in fact), so I won’t share it here. But you’ll find it on his Facebook page if you want to put yourself through that torture.

One of the big points in the letter, the one that everyone has been going on about, is Zuckerberg’s pledge to hand over the majority of his Facebook shares to a charity – only the charity isn’t actually a charity, its’s a company owned by Zuckerberg. Essentially, he promised to hand Facebook over to himself. Weird and confusing, but hey ho that’s not what we’re interested in. Rich people do stupid shit all the time, you don’t care about that. You came here to read a letter directed at the Facebook boss from the POV of his baby. And who are we to deny you that?

Zuckerberg Letter

The guys over at The Daily Show threw all kinds of shade in their parody, commenting on the aforementioned charity-gate, as well as poking fun at other aspects of the original post, including Zuckerberg’s boastful attitude. Read it in full below:

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Dear Mom and Dad,

First, if you have something to say, you can say it to my face instead of posting it on the internet for the whole goddamn world to see.

Second, congrats on out-humble-bragging the world. Seriously, how can anyone else post to Facebook about their newborn child when you’ve set the bar at GIVING AWAY 45 BILLION DOLLARS IN FACEBOOK SHARES TO CURE DEATH or whatever crazy world salvation and tax evasion was in that long essay?

Third, what are you doing? Those were going to be my shares, and you’re giving them to charity? And not just any charity, your own charity which technically isn’t even a charity, but a limited liability corporation?? SMH.

I get it. I’m going to be rich for the rest of my life with nothing to worry about (other than the fact I will be the most observed person on the planet with literally everyone being aware of every move I make for the rest of my life), but come on dudes! Don’t take the one thing that was going to be cool about being your kid (the money!!!) and warp it into me being responsible for fixing the world that your generation and the Baby Boomers fucked up. That’s totally on you guys.



P.S. Dad, please don’t ever milk me for retweets again. Yeah, I said “retweets,” asshole. I wish I was Jack Dorsey’s or Ev Williams’s daughter. Now change my diaper, I just wrecked it.

Damn. They just went in on Zuckerberg. Although, I doubt he cares much – what with being a happily married billionaire and all.

Mark Zuckerberg

But nah, in all seriousness, I’m sure he’s a great guy. He seems pretty humble and just happy with how things turned out for him to be fair.

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And let’s be honest, the modern world wouldn’t be the same without his little college project. How would we laugh at other people’s lives to make ourselves feel better? We’d have to actually go outside and nobody wants to be doing that. You might not even be reading this article poking fun at him if he’d never come up with Facebook, strange how things work out, hey?


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