The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting the best ones.

Here are the best from this week:

pan1

I’m going to wank and drink alone all weekend instead of trying to be social and meet people. And I’m super excited about it

Shox

Last week I complimented two women on their mother/daughter dancing skills… they were sisters :/

CURLY SUE

I’m travelling around Asia on my own while my bf waits at home for me in the UK (what a babe). In order to help me avoid cheating and sleeping around, I set myself a task to not shave my pubes for six months. There’s enough jungles out here to go trekking through already guys.

markymark

This Romanian prostitute I’ve been visiting told me I’m her “favourite white guy” so that’s something I’ve got going for me

OGG

Drunkenly texted some embarrassing shit to a girl I just started seeing, then deleted the texts like an idiot. Now I’m sitting here wondering what the fuck I sent her and she hasn’t text back all day

viggo

My wife started keeping a diary and even though I always see it laying around I never read it. Not because I respect her privacy or anything like that but because I’m terrified what might be in it.

JarJarBinks

I once turned down a threesome because I was too intimidated with the thought of pleasuring 2 women at once. I will regret this to my grave.

Ladyhawke

Like a sad twat , I’ve wanted to falconry/hawking for years. Totally unrealistic as I live in the city and can barely look after myself let alone myself and a bird of prey. For my birthday my (now ex) girlfriend, trying to save our failing relationship, brought me down to a country B&B for the weekend, the next day she brought me to a falconry experience day where I got to do falconry all day and get the bird to eat a live mouse on my hand. Awesome right? She took a ton of pictures I was happier than a pig in shit. Needless to say her failing attempts to save our relationship based solely on riding was unsuccessful and we broke up a couple of weeks later, despite her earning more money than me she cheaped out on her half of the rent, but besides the money and the now lack of depressingly begrudgery sex, she deleted all the falconry photos. Fucking best day of my life spent with the most conniving bitch, had nothing to show for it except a lack of sex and fiscal insolvency

moxley

I’m 22 and still not sure I know how to tie my shoelaces up properly. They always seem to come undone

SHIRTMAN69

I went to work last week with the same shirt on every day (i hadn’t been bothered to wash one). Anyway, I alternated which days i rolled my sleeves up in the hope that people would see the sleeves had changed from the previous day and assume it was a fresh shirt. Pretty sure no one noticed or cared but hey ho.

LondonLoner

I’m so lonely that the only people who text me are Pizza Hut & Dominoes.

Finny

Me and my mate missed our connecting flight because he wanted to do tequila shots at the airport bar. I really need to start taking charge more

Scarred4life

My aunt told me that she and my mum used to tickle my dick when I was a baby and I’d get a mini erection and the whole room would start laughing. Not sure how I feel about that…

Its_just_apple_juice

There was a huge spider hiding somewhere in my toilet last week, and instead of facing my fears by hunting it down i just pissed in bottles my mates left behind at my house for 2 days until i finally found and destroyed it, and also slept on the sofa because i was worried it was in my bed. Shit couple of days tbh

jwhore

I have a new flatmate moving in today, i picked her specifically so at some point i could try and sleep with her

Bones

I like how so many people complain on this about never getting laid after they get married. My fiancé and I hardly ever have sex anymore but I don’t give a fuck cos she’s awesome. Also I get home before her so get to sneak in a quick wank daily

EthanIII

After hearing Vardy and Mahrez were staying I put a drunken £300 bet on Leicester to win the league again. I really am fucking stupid sometimes

davestypewriter

My record at work is 6 shits in one day, and I wasn’t even ill or hungover

titsmcgeee

Last weekend I got smashed at my mate’s house party and accidentally pissed all over his magazine rack next to the toilet because my aim was so off. Oh well, hope it dried before anyone noticed

zolotas

The only thing I enjoy about adulthood is cocaine

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next Friday.