Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #319

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Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on FacebookTwitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

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Danny Dyer - Rotten Tomatoes

SPANISHWATCHER

One time about 15 years ago, I was taking a piss in a pub in Essex. As I was walking out the toilet I bumped into a man who as a result, spilled some of his pint all down his shirt. That man just happened to be Danny Dyer. He looks at me and goes “you’re a fxcking idiot you know that, are you stupid or something?” I was speechless and just went back to my table. He was giving me the evil eye all night after that and I still regret the whole scenario

Breakup

MATTAG08

I’m breaking up with my gilfriend when she comes home from work in 20 minutes

gym

VIOYM

My wife used to have the most toned and shapely ass but she’s become a bit lazy in keeping it up lately. Well this week she texted me from work freaking out that someone asked her if she was pregnant. She was going absolutely mental to the point I was relieved not to be in the same room as her. Anyway the next morning she packed a bag and said she was going gym after work and she’s been going every day since. Whoever asked my wife if she was pregnant, I don’t know who you are but THANK YOU

Depression

PONYBOYUK

My girlfriend’s been turning down sex with me a lot lately

24 Hour Call Centre | Why Choose a Metro Rod Franchise

[no name]

Working in a call centre many years ago a mate and I used to play a game of who could get the most downwards red arrows on a comment on a Daily Mail story for that day, record 4631 for saying the Queen dressed like a nymphomaniac.

pink

CARELESSREADER

I cried when my brother told everyone I loved the Pink Power Ranger. I hadn’t realised it was acceptable to fancy girls at the time

manwfie

ABITMESSEDUP

One of my biggest fantasies when I was with my ex was that she cheated on me. I secretly wanted her to tell me all about it whilst she was shagging me and explain how much better they were than me. We’ve been broken up for years now and I’m married but I still wank off to that idea. I watch cuckhold porn and pretend it’s me and my ex. I suppose that’s married life…

Premier League confirms mid-season break stance for 2023/24

[no name]

I once gained the trust of a 50k football Facebook group and once I got made admin I deleted the page.

mums

STEPHEN12345

I grew up with two mums and was never ashamed or weirded out by it. I was hardly even bullied about it even though a few kids found it strange. It just felt normal for me and besides there’s nothing I could do about it. I did often think how different it would be if I had two dad though. I’ve a feeling the bullying would have been a lot worse…

ponds

THEGENT

I’ve never understood how ponds and rivers never run out of water

mass

MANCINSWEDE

Got a happy ending massage this week and the masseuse put her finger in my bum briefly. Can’t say I hated it

tree

SHAOLINSTONER

I was staying at a friends 2nd floor apartment the night before a flight, and really needed a wank. I used a tissue to clean up, and cos I was high, felt paranoid about leaving the living room to flush it in the bathroom (it was 2am and we were all up early). So I threw the sinful tissue out of the window, only for it to get snagged in the branch of a tree right outside, in plain view of the apartment. I tried to dislodge it with a broom handle, to no avail. The next morning, I was smoking out the same window, staring at the tissue and hoping it fell out of the tree before my mate and his flat mate woke up. Luckily, a gust of wind freed the tissue and it fell to a bush below, just seconds before a litter picker walked by, looked askance at it, and placed it in his bin. It was the perfect crime.

kid

TAZ

I once had a wet dream while sleeping on the couch in the TV room. My whole family was in the room.

Southend grammar school installs cameras in toilets - BBC News

[no name]

In a primary school bathroom around the age of 7 I had the realisation that free will existed, stood on top of the toilet and took a shit on the tank lid, then reported it to a teacher in pretend horror and watched its extraction with half of my class. I have no idea why.

Businessman showing thumbs up

COOLRICH

I’m terrible at my job but I’m a friendly and decent looking white male in an office of 20+ so no one notices

stand

DANNY R

a couple of nights ago i took a girl home that i met at a club. whilst we were having sex, i looked down and noticed my condom has slipped off. it was dark so i just put another one on and kept going. the next morning when she left, i tried to look for the condom. it was nowhere to be seen. it was either lodged inside her somewhere.. or she had taken it home. either way i was left speechless.

951 Girl Grass Laptop Photos and Premium High Res Pictures - Getty Images

SISTER OF THE YEAR

My 18 year old little brother was having trouble chatting up a girl he likes so I pretended to be him on fb for a bit. They are shagging now.

mast

SAMIDAZ

I wanked a few dozen times before I could actually ejaculate. I was too scared to take it all the way. When I finally jizzed for the first time I knew life would never be the same again

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[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!

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