Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #318

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Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on FacebookTwitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

EYEGOTWORMS

I was riding my bike through mitcham not too long ago and a group of black kids called me a “white pxssy” and I just kept on riding past them. Yes. They’re not wrong. I am a white pxssy.

FRANCOIS

Wasted in Bangkok took a petite Thai hooker back to my apartment and realised too late I’d picked up a ladyboy. I was off my tits so thought fxck it played with her willy a bit and gave it a little suck and didn’t hate it tbh. Bit salty but otherwise fine. She did say I gave the worst BJ she had ever had though

Manchester City are making Erling Haaland the king of the one-touch finish - The Athletic

chikane

I’ve been in the same FPL league since 2008 and still haven’t won. What’s worse is that it’s only a 6 person league.

PEDEYPABLO

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wxnk off to anyone else except her and I said of course not and even if I wanted to I couldn’t because no one else turns me on since I met her. Her face lit up and she said I was the sweetest boyfriend ever. LOL.

Uddingston Grammar pupils enjoy history trip to Paris - Daily Record

[no name]

On a school trip to Paris I lost my wallet. Our teacher gave me €30 of his own money so I didn’t miss out during the trip. I found my wallet the next day and spent the €30 on vodka and a flick knife. Sorry Mr Lawson

DEAD END

I’ve broken up with my GF twice but she simply refuses to leave and cries 24/7 until I agree to give it another go. I feel so helpless and sorry for her that I always give in. What am I suppose to do if she refuses to go? Call the police?

TOMGGHOST

I was on my lunch break when an old lady (well about 65) waved me over the road and asked if I could help pull her keys out of her car’s ignition because they were stuck. I pulled it out in one try. Then she said can I help start her car because it wasn’t starting. I said OK and tried to start her car but sure enough it was dead. I told her it’s not starting and she didn’t say anything, just kept staring at me with this weird mix of hope and desperation. It got weird and I didn’t know what else to do so I just said “sorry” and walked away.

SPACEINVADER

There’s a rumour my girlfriend got dp’d and I don’t know how to deal with it.

What coffee does McDonald's use? - Clearly Coffee

[no name]

Worked at McDonald’s as a teen. I used to stamp dozens of free coffee cards and hand them to family. I did enough that my mum didn’t pay for a single coffee for 2 years worth of visits.

#SAV

When I was about 12 my dad brought home one of those electric massage things that you strap to your abs and supposedly work them out for you as you go about your day. Anyway I used to strap the pads to my dxck and had some really awkward wxnking sessions with it.

DICKFACE

When I tip the collection boxes at takeaways and bossman isn’t looking I always make sure it makes a noise so he hears it

sharpie

DICKIEZ

One year at uni I got drunk and conked out at a party. My mates thought it would be funny to write on me with biro pens or whatever. I woke up and ended up walking back to my accommodation by myself. On the way I ran into this girl (average looking) who was weirdly eager to help me home. Anyway she did and ended up scrubbing the pen off my face and neck for me with a sponge. Ended up having rubbish sex with her on my floor.

EMDEE

When i was about 9 I went to our local fishing pond to collect loads of frogs. I put them all in takeaway containers and put the lid on at night so they didn’t escape. Takeaway containers are pretty airtight so I woke up in the morning to over 20 suffocated dead frogs.

MORTIS

When I was 15 I got into a massive fight with my dad and he said something that made me square up to him. He took off his glasses and “go on, hit me! Hit me you little cxnt!”. I didn’t hit him because I think he could have beaten me up back then. If he tried it now though 10 years later I reckon I could have him. Come at me dad!

Dance crazes and international co-operation | MARIANKA SWAIN ~ WRITE HERE, WRITE NOW

[no name]

Listening to the radio and was just was having a shit and YMCA came on. Just did all the hand movements whilst sat down having a crap, living my best life.

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[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!

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