Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #312



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I got caught having a stealth wank at school while we were watching To Kill A Mockingbird. The teacher turned on the lights, yanked my jacket off my lap and exposed my tiny boner to the class. She looked shocked but I don’t know what else she thought I could have been doing. Still the most embarrassing moment of my life and it was over 15 years ago.


I told my parents I was going to visit a friend in Kent. In reality I went to Thailand and had sex with 30 prostitutes in 10 days.

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I always feel so pressured when it’s time to pick a film for the night. I spend like 20 mins switching between the different apps before making a choice. I know I’ll only end up watching like 70% of the film, but the choice seems so important in the moment.


There’s a vegan place 2 miles from my house that me and my girlfriend have gone to at least 50 times since we’ve lived here. She went to get food there by herself recently. It’s literally 2 turns to get there from our house. She ended up at a different location 15mins further away because she said her SatNav took her. I was shocked.

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[no name]

I love sitting outside a certain pub in Soho watching men going in and out of the brothel next door. The mix of guys is fascinating, and it’s endlessly entertaining watching them hover around, trying to pluck up the courage to enter. It’s bordering on a hobby for me now.

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Roy Canning

Sometimes I’m not sure whether I’ve entered the men’s or the women’s toilets


When I was kid I used to hang out with my brothers after church while my parents drank coffee and chatted to their friends. The collection plates were always stored in a back room. I realised the door was never locked and used to sneak in and take a few quid every week. As a kid it seemed like a fortune. Probably took £50 over 2 – 3 years. I feel like paying it back but haven’t done it yet.


There’s nothing more disappointing than clicking on a hot girl on Pornhub and realising she only does solo scenes


A co-worker came to me crying her eyes out. After a holiday with her boyfriend he dumped her for someone else because he said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore. This co-worker is just an acquaintance, not a friend, so it was very weird. She asked me out for a drink after work and I said OK. After one drink she invited me back to hers and we ended up banging. She wanted to cuddle in bed and I stupidly did even though I wasn’t into her like that. The next day I told her it was a mistake and she started crying again. Think I’ve made the whole situation worse.


Once ate some really spicy chicken wings and my ring piece was burning. I put an ice cube right on my bum hole and accidentally swallowed it up. Somehow gave me the worst migraine of my life.


Was taking a one on one drive with my ex’s dad to their summer house. A 3 hour plus drive. He was pretty religious and we had nothing in common. We spoke for about 15 mins, then I fell asleep. Woke up hoping I’d slept through most of the ride, but in reality it was only about 10 mins. I pretended to sleep for the entire rest of the ride. Also had to piss but didn’t want to add on time by stopping. Was a rough 3 hours.


I thought girls peed out of their bums until I was 14


When I was in school me and some buddies wanted to trick our mate by giving him fake weed and seeing if he would act high. We literally pulled grass out of my garden and put it into a plastic bag. Being 13 none of us had really seen weed so he couldn’t tell the difference. We all smoked the “weed” and pretend to get high but he said he didn’t feel anything. I don’t know if anyone ever told him but the joke was on us in the end.


I did some work on Jessie Wallace AKA Kat Slater’s house in Essex many years ago. I honestly think I could have banged her. Kept giving me flirty looks and complimented my arms but maybe she’s just friendly like that.


When I was 16 I beat up three 11 years olds at a skate park to look hard in front of some girls. I made the mistake of hanging arround to soak up the glory and eventually one of their brothers came with a baseball bat which he didn’t need because he was already older and hencher than me. Amazingly he didn’t beat me up but forced me to say sorry to all three of them one by one then picked up my skate board and threw it over a fence. It really shamed me more than getting beaten up tbh. I never picked on anyone ever again.


As a kid watching tennis on the TV, I used to think that the player at the top of the screen had an advantage as he was hitting downhill


I got a haircut from a gay Portuguese man this week and I feel like he was being too sensual with the way he was massaging my hair like he was trying to turn me on or something. Not to marginalise sexual assault but I feel like it was a little bit


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See you next Friday!



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