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Let’s go…

chronsguy

I accidentally stole a B&Q orange bucket the other day. Was having issues carrying everything so just grabbed one temporarily. Paid, put all the bags back in it and walked out. Only realised when i got home.

RESISTANCE

I had sex with a known slag 3 years ago (self confessed slag) who told me she had herpes before we had sex. Guess what? I didn’t get herpes. I live life on the edge!

dead end

I’ve broken up with my GF twice but she simply refuses to leave and cries 24/7 until I agree to give it another go. I feel so helpless and sorry for her that I always give in. What am I suppose to do if she refuses to go? Call the police?

DICKIEZ

One year at uni I got drunk and conked out at a party. My mates thought it would be funny to write on me with biro pens or whatever. I woke up and ended up walking back to my accommodation by myself. On the way I ran into this girl (average looking) who was weirdly eager to help me home. Anyway she did and ended up scrubbing the pen off my face and neck for me with a sponge. Ended up having rubbish sex with her on my floor.

[no name]

As a teen I used to get incredibly turned on by the erotic messages on the walls of gents’ cubicles in grotty public toilets, and would fantasise about the horny women that had snuck in to leave them. I think I was about 22 when the penny finally dropped.

SIMPLERTIMES

When i was younger my parents bathroom had a big bath tub with a little 5 inch TV in the wall. Used to sit there in the bath watching Eastenders and wanking off to Kat Slater.

LENOSAURUS

At uni I had a friend who was a short, fat, lazy slob. He ordered Chinese food so often that the chinese owner called his mobile to personally tell him that their number had changed. Anyway, one day we woke up to him shouting the house down and throwing furniture at the wall. Our housemate and some girl he brought back had raided his leftover Chinese the previous night. We had to call the police because he kept banging his head against a glass door when we tried to calm him down. Really shocked me how one person’s world could revolve around food so much.

BSVRDRV4U

My counter offer for a job in a new field was surprisingly accepted and my boss’s closing sentence was “you’ll now be one of our highest paid workers, so that shows my hopes for you”. I am underqualified for the role and haven’t had a good night’s sleep since. Crippling impostor syndrome.

MR MUSHROOM

Took a piss in the garden while having a cig and I’m pretty sure my milf neighbour saw my penis. She hasn’t looked at or talked to me since so I don’t think she was very impressed.

[NO ALIAS]

I go into the toilet at work just so I can pick my nose without anyone seeing

TIMUR_999

My girlfriend is an alcoholic who embarrasses me every time we go out. One time I came out of a bar with my friends to find her laughing her head off while getting pretend shagged by her gay best mate over a barrier while everyone watched. Not sure how much longer I can put up with this…

[NO NAME]

Sometimes, as a treat, I pull my pants and trousers down to my ankles and wee like a little boy. No idea why, but it makes me laugh for hours.

[NO NAME]

I once puked red wine everywhere in my boss’s downstairs loo after a bbq piss up at his house. I cleaned up as best I could but the wallpaper was destroyed. A girl at the same party who was drunker than me got the blame. I said it probably was her. She was blamed for years.

FOURTHCHOICE

One of my first times clubbing I saw some kids doing coke in the toilets and went and told the bouncers, then watched as they got thrown out of the venue aggressively. God I was such a little p***y — sorry lads if you’re reading.

[NO NAME]

Had a completely crazy English teacher at school. I had to do 2 months of coursework at home after an operation but spent the entire time playing fifa. When deadline came round I convinced her I handed the paper in and she’d lost it. She gave me a B. I didn’t write a single word.

MYLIFEISAMESS

I quit my job 2 weeks ago now but am scared to tell my parents in case they kick me out, instead of being honest I go and sit in my car down the street for hours at a time.

SOUTHSIDEMENG

I am honestly attracted to larger girls (not obese or too fat). I’ve always wanted to date a big girl but feel like I can’t because my friends would destroy me. So I continue to date skinny girls because I have crap friends.

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You are forgiven! See you next Friday.

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).