Confessions is back! Send your confessions in at [email protected] or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.

Let’s go…

mcleod

This older lady (about 50) at my gym chatted me up the other day. She has massive tits. She asked for my Facebook and I gave it to her. Have to admit I’ve wanked off to her already. Not sure what my next move is…

coward

I’ve never played golf in my life. I get asked frequently to play golf with friends and co workers and always come up with an excuse that I can’t make it because I’m scared of how terrible I’ll be

yung sparky

Started hooking up with a cross-eyed nymphomaniac I met on Tinder and can’t help but think I’m taking advantage of a mentally ill person.

[no name]

I check an ancient yahoo account daily just in case this bloke who ghosted me 13 years ago wants to get back in touch. Inbox and spam.

epicchazza

There’s this fit new girl working in our office which is great except my boss sat her right near the toilets. This has completely fucked up my half hour long office shits schedule. I now shit in Burger King down the street.

moose

I tripped balls on LSD with a Muslim guy at my uni. He’s from Pakistan and my girlfriend is Pakistani from Brum (I’m white). He started being weird staring at photos of my girlfriend on my wall. He was getting agitated with himself and kept saying to himself “no, I can’t! I can’t! She’s yours man, she’s yours”. He then said he had to go and pray and went back to his room and didn’t come out. Didn’t see him until the next day and he just said he couldn’t remember anything from the trip and can we just forget it and move on. I said yeah… but I know he remembers.

famous grouse

Recently got a VR headset even though I was skeptical. I can tell you watching adult films on that thing is next level. Legit feels like I’m cheating on my wife.

[no name]

My elderly father in law thinks that when he rings the local Chinese takeaway they know who it is because he has a lot of takeaways and is very proud of it. Don’t have the heart to tell him they have a database system where his name comes up when he calls.

Strangerindaalps

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this pretence at work of being a sociable guy who gets along with everyone

ichiga

My boyfriend cums in complete silence and then says ‘thanks babe’ before jumping onto his Xbox, leaving me to wank myself off in bed because he always finishes first and can’t go again until he’s ‘had a meal’. This isn’t healthy is it?

bushman

Just came close to getting into a fight in town but the guy looked like he could have me so I just walked away like a pussy. Good thing no girls were watching.

FPL123

Playing Fantasy PL has ruined my ability to enjoy football. I don’t know why I take it so seriously.

maldio21

First time I ever wanked off was to Al Bundy’s wife in Married with Children

shrugemoji

I’ve given out my number on the receipt to waitresses/bar girls literally about 200 times in my life. As you might expect, I haven’t been very successful. Last weekend one finally messaged me and I’m meeting her for drinks on Friday. Call me pathetic if you want, but 1/200 is better than 0/0. Have a good week everyone.

—–

[Send your confessions in at [email protected] or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous! Just send an alias if you want us to use one).

See you next Friday!