Sick Chirpse is back and so is Confessions every Friday. Just note the Confessions box is broken so you’ll have to send your confessions in at firstname.lastname@example.org or DM us on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Everything we publish is 100% anonymous – just give an alias you’d like us to use.
My girlfriend’s ex is a drug dealer who I heard through the grapevine was planning to bash me up when he saw me. Well I know he ran a pretty big operation so I called 999 and told them exactly where he lived and what he was up to. His court date’s sometime in 2022. Don’t mess with me motherfukka.
Ordered pad Thai the other night. One of the shrimps looked a little dodgy and not exactly pink, but I was starving so I ate it. Bad move. I was up in the middle of the night shitting buckets with the worst stomach pain you can imagine. My toilet looked like the chocolate river from Charlie and the chocolate factory. I know I shoulder some of the blame but still left them negative review.
I’ve had my phone on silent for nearly two years
When I was 8 or 9 I shat myself in PE. Just one little nugget of poo that went down my shorts and onto the gym mats. Our teacher (hilarious German guy) saw it and said “OK, who has been eating chocolate?”. He made us line up and show him our teeth. Then he bent over, picked up my poo, and went and put it in the bin. Later I saw him washing his hands at the water fountain looking pissed off and asked him what he was doing. He said “Well, Matthew, I thought that was a little piece of chocolate, but now I realise…it was something else.”
During lockdown I made it my goal to get 1st place on Maria Kart on N64 on all 16 tracks consecutively. Not easy to do against the CPU on 150cc. Anyway on the final lap of Rainbow Road I got red shelled and went flying off the track into space. I slammed the controller and stomped the N64 repeatedly until it was smashed to pieces. I had to sit down and breathe deeply for a minute to calm myself down. I’m 32 years old…
I’m going through a really tough time right now. The other day some random guy I was chatting to told me I look like I “have my life together”. Almost burst into tears in front of him.
Me and my best friend had a threesome a couple of years ago, I’m straight but ended up licking her out and it’s put me off vaginas for life, do they all taste like batteries?
Never was a feet guy until meeting my current gf. It started off with massaging each other’s feet (which feels amazing btw). This slowly progressed into her “massaging” my dick with her feet which feels strangely amazing. I’ve even noticed myself start to check out other women’s feet in public which I never would have dreamed of previously. If your girl has nice feet I recommend dipping your toes in the water (so to speak)
My girlfriend put the tip of her finger in my bum during a blowjob the other day… Told her to go deeper and felt extremely gay for saying it. But then she pushed half her finger in there and I came like a fucking fountain. Highly recommended
I work at a shit job in retail for minimum wage, pretty much everyone there is studying a sick degree and looking forward to being lawyers and doctors and rolling in money, and I’ve just dropped out of uni/gone full time. Kill me.
Every day I have a 20 minute window of opportunity to wank while my wife takes the dog for a walk, and I use it every time
I came inside a French girl on a school trip a few years back. She didn’t know my full name and we never spoke again, but I actually think it’s pretty cool I might have a bastard child in France somewhere
I downloaded an internet history recovery app called Phone Rescue to find a porn I watched months ago.
My friend is usually the resident drinks-mixer at parties and always overdoes the alcohol/mixer ratio. One night we were leaving this house party on the second floor where the stairs to the ground floor were really steep and narrow. For some reason he tries running down the stairs to overtake me and trips up, smashing face first into the ground and knocking himself out. Loads of people were gathered round watching/taking pictures etc when suddenly you see this massive dark, wet spot start to form around his jeans and just grow and grow. Would have been funnier if I didn’t have to carry him home in his piss-soaked jeans.
[Reminder – the Confessions box is permanently broken, send your confessions in at email@example.com or on our social media pages – don’t worry, we keep them 100% anonymous!).
See you next Friday!