CONFESSIONS

Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #242

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

wedding

Wedding singer

I used to edit videos for a living, when I was really broke, unbeknownst to my friends I’d take the lowest of the low jobs and shamefully edit wedding films, which I hated doing.It was so tedious and boring, to make the work more entertaining for myself I would splice in single frames of subliminal satanic messages, I did this multiple times and handed the finished product to the happy couple, got paid and they were always none the wiser. I once put in a frame from a dirty porno, but bottled it at the last minute and took it out, to this day that decision is my greatest artistic regret.

goofydude

In my early 20s, I snorted a line of Old El Paso fajita seasoning for £20…

fat

[name withheld]

I realized what a piece of shit I am when I bumped into a lass in the street I knew who had just been dumped and was really upset and clearly needed comforting. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, but she was quite big and all I can remember thinking was “I hope none of these people driving past think she’s my girlfriend…” I felt so ashamed of myself afterwards

Is it too big?

FML123

Girlfriend just told me her last boyfriend had a 10” dick. Great.

amy

jbomb

Me and my missus named our daughter Amy, because she was born on the day Amy Winehouse died and we both got overly emotional over it. I secretly really regret it now

consti

queefybean

My first year uni accommodation had shared bathrooms, so naturally I got crippling constipation. So I found an empty shoebox and squatted in the middle of my bedroom, producing the largest poo I’ve done to date. Then I had to run to the communal bins outside and throw it away. Thank god I didn’t bump into anyone.

birdy

I stick my middle finger up at my wife from the other rooms sometime when she says anything or walks by…

ring number 3

When I’m peeing in a toilet and see poop stains I aim for them in an attempt to clean them off.

coke

redkettle

The guy I used to pick up coke from has gone into complete radio silence for 2 months now, his phone is off and my mate hasn’t heard from him either. He could be dead or in jail for all I know. I hardly know the guy but I’m genuinely worried about him.

punch

exyayofiend

When I was 15 I punched my mum in the face because she came in my room while I was sleeping, having a go at me and pulled open the blinds while I was on a massive coke comedown. We’re friends now though

sx

Wtf?

Every time I’m about to have sex in a dream, something happens right at the last minute, and they have sex with someone else instead. Every fucking time.

dog

bruno

My dog loves everyone but growls when he spots one particular guy at the bus stop outside our window. Dodgy looking guy in a flat cap. I’ve been seriously considering following him one day as I’m sure my dog has sensed something very wrong about him

Homeless man with dog and sign

jkat

I gave a homeless person a fist full of coppers once and he literally looked at me in disgust and threw them in Camden canal

text

CG

Once I was talking to a few girls at once but I was too lazy to keep like 5 different conversations going, so i used to just copy and paste messages to each girl and just have the same conversation with every girl.

box

jdimz

I’ve been wearing the same boxers for 4 days in a row

wife

Sixfoot1guy

Whenever my wife asks me for sex, I have to go to the toilet for a couple minutes and fire up some porn on my phone to start feeling horny. Not a good sign really.

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Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!

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