The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Back in 2003, I was 18 and got a part time job at working for an art dealer. I was there to cover her holiday. I knew and still know nothing about art, the dealer didn’t give me a price list or instructions. A couple came in wanted to buy an oil painting, I checked to see if it had a price, only price was £250, I tried to contact the dealer but she wasn’t available. I sold the painting, few days later the dealer returned, £250 was the price of the frame, the painting was worth over £5,000.
My diet is so dreadful that when I go for a shit there is often an oil slick on the surface of the water in the toilet
I hooked up with an American girl at uni. At the time I was obsessed with anal sex and tried my luck.She had never tried it before but agreed to give it a go. She took it like an absolute champion and orgasmed very hard. Afterwards she said that she found it very very painful but managed to channel the pain into intense pleasure. I later learned that she had moved back to America and teaches women how to give birth without pain relief – like to think I had something to do with her skills in this area.
When I was 12 my mate said to me “give me your arm.” I put my arm out and he proceeded to yank it so hard that he pulled my arm out of its socket. To be fair to him he was so horrified he started crying. Had to go doctor to pop it back into place.
I was so drunk one time I stood up on my bedside table and tried to piss through my window, except I didn’t realise the window was closed to I pissed all over myself instead
I have unopened work emails from 2016
I’ve been ignoring this girl I hooked up with once for about 3 years now (she texts me every now and then and I just keep it very brief). Recently saw on Facebook she had a boob job so I’m giving her boobs some time to heal then am getting right back in there.
When I was in school me and my mate would cut off our pubes and sprinkle them on the girl we hated’s hair
I met girlfriend at an Indian restaurant for lunch. I shit myself at least 7 times afterwards including once before we left the restaurant. The toilet was so gross I tried to squat over the seat and ended up spraying shit all over the place. There were bits of my poop on the walls. It was pretty hardcore. I can’t go back there now.
I accused my wife of withholding sex. She said she wasn’t. I said so what is it then? She just smiled.
good guy at heart
My girlfriend’s grandma died and part of me is thrilled I get to smoke weed and play COD without interruption for the next week while she goes to be with her family.
When I run into girls on Tinder who say ‘swipe left if you’re a Tory’ I always swipe right
When I was 13 I got into some mischief and was running away from the police. I climbed onto a wall and thought a great hiding place would be if I just lay flat on top of the wall like a pencil. 30 secs later I get a flashlight in my face and the policeman sees me planking on top of the wall. He goes “what are you doing? i can see you”. Never was much of a crook.
I’ve only recently realised that I have a drinking problem when the doctors told me not to drink thorugh a course of antibiotics. Not only did I drink through it, but I powered on through even when it was making me physically sick. Oops.
I cancelled my gym membership because my instructor was too hard on me. He flipped out at me in front of the whole gym because he realised I was bullshitting him for weeks on my food intake.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!