The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Years ago I skyped a girl who I met on Okcupid. She talked me into getting naked on camera and having a wank but was sending me naked pics of herself via chat since her ‘camera didn’t work’. I realised about 20 seconds after the skype call ended that there was a 99.9% chance I’d been catfished. I haven’t chatted to the person since but I’m pretty sure she/he filmed me and put me on the internet. So if anyone comes across a video of a lanky white guy with a tiny dick wanking on pornhub, it’s probably me.
When I was much younger I stole a Louis Vuitton handbag from a nightclub and gave it to my new girlfriend as a present.
When I was 8, I collected loads of bees in a jam jar, put the lid on, and shook them till they were all dead. I have regretted it and thought about it every single day since. I am so ashamed.
My fiancé and I have been on furlough pretty much constantly since the first lockdown and being bored we’ve basically just fucked and played Xbox the whole time.
But it was getting stale, so we decided to try a little role reversal. Long story short, I’ve spent a lot of money on strap ons and neither one of us wants to go back to the normal hetero roles
When I fart cycling, I pretend it’s a boost and speed up. Longer the fart, higher the boost. I’m 30.
Every time I go into the newsagent to buy booze the guy behind the counter is always watching some intense Muslim preacher shit on his crappy little TV. Might just be a case of subliminal racism on my part but I can’t help but think the guy is ISIS or something. I’m worried he’ll be involved in something one day and it will all be my fault because I was scared of being racist
My first job was at McDonalds. I was 16 years old. A few months in, I grabbed a sleeve of lids that were on a high rack. The plastic sleeve got caught and when I pulled, it tore open and about half the lids fell out down into the fry vat. No one saw, I didn’t say a word
A few years ago I took a shit so colossal I had to cut it up with the handle end of a spare toothbrush to get it to flush. Ashamed, I washed and put the toothbrush back in it’s packaging and back into the bathroom cabinet.
Not long after that my boyfriends sister and her partner came to stay with us and she forgot her toothbrush…. He told her we have a spare she could use
I unfriend most people on their birthday because that’s when Facebook reminds me they exist
Sometimes I get really stoned and convince myself the lottery numbers running through my head are 100% the winning numbers for that day or week. I even quietly promise to god that I won’t tell anyone about our supernatural connection when I win. I play my numbers online and of course just end up wasting money. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for 6 years and the most I’ve ever won is a tenner.
I let my girlfriend wax my chest recently and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. Now she thinks I’m a total pussy
I was round a mates and did a shit that was too big to flush. Suddenly noticed a bowl of potpourri (the decorative dried flower petal shit). Had to use a piece to cut my shit in half so it would flush. It worked, no-one found out.
I once wanked off to Bianca from Eastenders
The Pie Poker
One of my best mates got married a couple years back. Me and my other best mate were ushers and had to stand up the front. After the ceremony was over and everyone left, we noticed that there was a toilet hidden to the side of the pulpit. Like the good Christian lads that we are, we both went straight into the toilet and done a fat line of Coke each.
I didn’t wish my mother-in-law a happy birthday because I was stoned all day and didn’t trust myself to sound coherent on the phone
I’ve been with two vegetarian girls and can safely say that they have better tasting and smelling vaginas than meat-eaters. Their farts are diabolical though.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!