Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #219

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.


I spend way too much time listening to music and visualising sports highlights of myself. Usually football but sometimes MMA and boxing. I haven’t played football in years and never had a fight in my life.


As a teenager, I wrote “cock” on a mate’s forehead in marker pen then woke him up to go to the shop. Very juvenile, but there was a long queue and everybody had noticed. Nobody said a word until he clocked himself on a security camera and about 10 complete strangers erupted into laughter.

Smokey Joe

WTF is wrong with the guy shagging his Mrs with a strap-on. He needs to wise up, surely there are other ways of getting her off. Hang your head in shame bud.


I had an argument with my friend playing Warzone (he isn’t very good) and he blocked me on PSN after telling me to fuck off. It’s been 2 weeks and he still won’t play with me or respond to my texts. Am I the arsehole or is he?

darkie jr

Asked my girlfriend if I could wank off in her mouth. Her reply? “This isn’t a porn film”. FML.

[no name]

My biggest college/uni regret is not shagging all the girls I possibly could. Turned down a bunch of 4s and 5s I would happily boink now. 


I’m really pathetically bad at sex


When I was 13 I stayed round my cousin’s house (fit as fuck, 18) and while she was in the shower snuck into her closet. When she came back in I peered through the gaps and wanked as she dryed herself and changed. She opened the closet and screamed in horror as I ran off trying to play it off like a prank. No regrets.


I was riding my bike through mitcham not too long ago and a group of black kids called me a “white pussy” and I just kept on riding past them. Yes. They’re not wrong. I am a white pussy.


My girlfriend asked me if I ever wank off to anyone else except her and I said of course not and even if I wanted to I couldn’t because no one else turns me on since I met her. Her face lit up and she said I was the sweetest boyfriend ever. LOL.


When I was 16 I was at house party where this weirdo from our school had got drunk with us for the first time. He was completely out of it and somehow ended up shirtless on the floor while about 6 boys (including me) took our belts off and whipped him violently for about 20 seconds non stop. It was total carnage but at the time the funniest thing ever. He woke up with welts all over his body and we were legit worried he’d come into school and kill us the next week. He was cool about it in the end though.

Why am i like this

I test out my moves in the sack with prostitutes to see if I enjoy them before using them on my missus.

Smokey Joe

I am Scottish and would never vote for the SNP. I think Kate Forbes (cabinet secretary for finance) is a useless motormouth with zero experience and quite obviously out of her depth. She annoys me everytime she opens her mouth…… can’t understand why, but I would hate shag her so badly.


When I’m facetiming with my girlfriend and feel a fart coming, I’ll secretly mute myself and rip one as loud as possible as I stare right at her.


Sometimes I intentionally put typos in texts to seem more casual


Being hungry and lazy is the worst combination. I just sit there on my couch stoned and hungry for hours.


I’m lactose intolerant but sometimes I’ll eat a fuck tonne of ice cream just so I can let rip and smell my own farts all day


Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!


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