The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Out DnB raving with my wife pre-lockdown 1.0 and a big tune dropped, so as I often do, I slapped my wife on the arse in time with the beat only to discover the that lady in front of me was not in fact my wife, but a carbon copy; same height, hair, frame and black leather skirt / white top combo. She was understandably horrified/terrified and ran off into the crowd before I could apologise. I’m still mortified 9 months later.
I shag my girlfriend with a big black strap-on because my 4.5 incher just wasn’t doing it for her. It’s saved our relationship!
I carry a small blade with me in my car in case I get pulled over for speeding, I’ll just cut myself and say I was on the way to the hospital
I once spunk’d my pants in my piano teachers lounge whilst waiting for the lesson. I had to do the half an hour lesson with cum filled pants. Fantastic wank though.
When I was 15 I got into a massive fight with my dad and he said something that made me square up to him. He took off his glasses and “go on, hit me! Hit me you little cunt!”. I didn’t hit him because I think he could have beaten me up back then. If he tried it now though 10 years later I reckon I could have him. Come at me dad!
I plagiarised an episode of Captain Planet for a year 4 writing assignment. Totally stole the plot and got a gold star
Most weeks I only realise it’s Friday because Confessions goes up
2:30am one night I was texting this girl and convinced her to let me come round even though she made clear she was “really really tired”. I told her I was right by her accommodation even though I was miles away on another campus. I was so desperate that I ran while piss drunk at 2:30am for 35 minutes to get to hers (this was before Uber). The whole time I was dreading the “I changed my mind” text so I had to get there quick. Anyway got there in the end probably doing about a mile every 10 minutes. Didn’t get laid
Remember when you guys wrote about the Kylie Jenner sex tape leaking? Still waiting
I used to memorise jokes from Dave Chappelle and Russell Peters stand up so people at school could think I was funny
Lord Pecklesbury the 3rd
An ex-girlfriend used to get off on me talking about nailing her mum whilst I was fucking her. I don’t think she wanted to fuck her, just got off on me talking about wanting to do it.
Back in school I started a rumour about someone that he gave his best friend a hand job in the toilet. Everyone knew it obviously wasn’t true but it spiralled out of control and the guy got ripped for it all the way to graduation – 5 years. In the end he left the country to go to uni abroad. Sorry Paul.
Im 31 and would fully fuck my 20 year old cousin if the chance ever came my way
I wank off to my ex way too much… only hate wank though, she’s a bitch
My mum used to take me to get pedicures and I would brag about it to my mates. God I was such a twat
I’m a teacher and the other day held in a fart until I was next to the kid in class that gives me the most attitude. Blasted him with a silent stunner then watched him get up and disrupt the class by opening the window and accusing his classmates of farting. Fair enough but I still yelled at him.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!