Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #211

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.


Got into an argument with the girlfriend the other day. Instead of carrying on the fight, I backed her into a corner and unleashed a 10 second long diarrhea fart right in her face. She was absolutely stunned.


I lost my virginity to a girl who, let’s just say… her face would launch less than a thousand ships.  So I lied to everyone that I was still a virgin for a whole year until I had sex with a decent looking girl at uni.

Coke can.

I’m a straight man, however I’d love to hold a really thick short cock.

Jazz hands

I’m a drummer and quite often on public transport I’ll be tapping away to the beat of a song, however I tap my fingers in such a way it looks like I’m a pianist because that looks more sophisticated.


When I was younger me and my mates used to get together for group wanks. We’d build pillow forts between us so that no one could see what the other was doing and then order stuff on the porn channels (pre internet) and have a grand old time. Whoever finished first was required to say “First” and so on, not sure why. Kind of gay now that I think about it.


When I was 15 some chav muttered ‘pussy’ole’ as he walked past me and I was too much of a pussy to respond. Still hurts 12 years later.

End Me

I hate my life. The only reason I haven’t killed myself is because my wife and kids wouldn’t get the insurance payout.

When I’d finish work, I’d make a point of catching the bus from the dodgy area of town hoping someone would try and mug me stab me in the process.

Is It Just Me

Whenever I start watching a porn from the beginning, I never seem to make it to the part where they actually start having sex.

Tyler Court_N1-6

I filed a complaint with my accommodation master at uni because there’s a security guard who keeps coming to door and chatting to me (I’ve gathered he just wants to perv on the girls that live with me – it’s an all-girl flat except for me). Now I can’t look him in the eye any time I see him on campus.


I get irrationally angry when I join the end of a queue and then no ones stands behind me. Feels like I’m the biggest loser in the line.



When I’m on Tinder and I see a hot girl who also comes across as super shallow (duck face etc), I always swipe left. I say to myself “that girl would be so annoying to be around”. Might be true but deep down I know it’s a defence mechanism because I know girls like that would never swipe right on me


When I was younger I used to kiss my sister’s barbie on the lips hoping she’d come to life and be my girlfriend.

Ellen Degenerate

Ive always thought Ellen was a dick, cant believe you lot are only cottoning on to it


Okay so I was born male and transitioned to female in my 20s so I evidently have to have ‘the talk’ with people that I date before any physical contact so I can avoid getting hate-crimed – but one time, I told a guy I met in a club that I just loved anal – so fucked me in the communal hallway of his apartment building. He still messages. He still doesn’t know.


I pee all over the cubicle in club toilets and don’t feel bad cos I know it’s just my drunk alter ego and I’m a sound guy really


Sometimes my girlfriend doesn’t shower for 4 days


When I was a teen I stole a passport I found at the post office mailing something for my mum. Instead of handing it in there or police I went to the nearest kebab shop and asked the Turkish guys behind the counter if they were interested in buying it (no idea why I thought they would be). They started screaming at me and I’ve never ran from anywhere that fast in my life.


Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!


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