The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

–

quickdrawmcgraw

Shagged a prostitute at a brothel in Germany and finished really quickly. I’m talking 30 seconds quickly. When she realised she laughed in my face and then as I got dressed I could hear the other prostitutes laughing in the next room as she (presumably) told them about me. FML.

Little Shop Of Horrors Is Real, Wake Up Sheeple

Around 2 months ago a girl I was seeing 100% got a packet of those dodgy seeds from China. They looked like pumpkin seeds and came in a baggy with literally nothing else. I remember her laughing about it and how weird it was, thinking she had got a wrong delivery or a random free gift. The weirdest thing is that I remember it super clearly, but she has absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever! Just flat-out denies it was her, didn’t even know what I was talking about when I sent the article. I am actually fully freaked out by the whole thing, and now convinced she is either in on it or has been brainwashed by a mutant Chinese pumpkin. Am I smoking too much weed?

Night

I’m still friends with my ex-girlfriend on Facebook. She was due to marry her Josh Hartnett lookalike boyfriend this summer but the wedding has been postponed indefinitely due to COVID. Ha! In your face Julia! God I miss her so much.

Jacksht

When I was about 13, me and my best mate used to order porn with my dad’s credit card, then set up the sofa pillows between us and wank in the darkness. Much later on I realised my dad definitely saw the charges on his card each time, but credit to him he never said a word about it. Dads are awesome.

AleOllie

Not my confession but a girl I used to date told me she would sleep in her parents bed when she was young whenever she got scared of the dark. One night she woke up in the middle of the night and saw her mum giving her dad a BJ. She pretended she was asleep until it was over. Now get this…. she loved giving BJs! Hmmm…..

Humps Like A Dog

My boyfriend expects sex every single day & I’m just too tired and lazy for that shit, so we came to an agreement that on the days I can’t be bothered he can shag the gap between my legs while I lay there / sleep / read my book. Three months on I’m really regretting agreeing to it but I need a better excuse to finish with him than him humping me like a dog. No chance I’m telling my parents that.

Uber fatty

I get takeaways a fair bit Cos I’m a lazy fuck. Checked on my banking and it turns out I’ve spent £350/£400 a month on takeaways since lockdown. Not only am I a fat cunt I Could have gone to Vegas on that

billybobrad

Every time I go into the newsagent to buy booze the guy behind the counter is always watching some intense Muslim preacher shit on his crappy little TV. Might just be a case of subliminal racism on my part but I can’t help but think the guy is ISIS or something. I’m worried he’ll be involved in something one day and it will all be my fault because I was scared of being racist

Wallahbingbong

Whenever a girl is friendly with me I assume she wants to have sex with me no matter how many times I’ve been proven wrong about it in the past

Golden Waterfall

I had an ex boyfriend who got off on me pissing all over him. He liked it a lot so pretty soon I got used to doing it. Not long after we broke up I got shitfaced drunk with a really close guy mate who I’ve liked for ages and we went back to his. He was aware what me & my ex used to get up to and shortly after we started having sex he whispered in my ear ‘give me a golden waterfall’. I casually stood over him in bed and emptied my (full to the brim of cider) bladder all over him. Suddenly he says: “what the fuck are you doing?!”
“You asked for a golden waterfall?”
“That’s not what I said…”
surprised I asked what he had said…

“I said you look beautiful”

One swift piss and I’m pretty sure I ruined my one chance at happiness. Sorry Pete!

Jdiddly

I think I’d be a lot more successful in life if my cock was just two inches bigger.

AlsCap

I used to live in a really grimy part of High Wycombe and one night accidentally drove into a bum who was riding his bike and sent him flying. He was so cracked out he immediately got up jumped on his bike and rode off without even noticing me.

slack_chirpse

Still kind of pissed off that you didn’t do readers confessions a couple weeks back and never even apologised. Ruined my weekend if I’m honest…

Carlos_TNWS

35 years old and for the first time this week realised I can’t see my penis when I use the toilet. This day came a lot sooner than I thought it would.

Is It Just Me

Whenever I start watching a porn from the beginning, I never seem to make it to the part where they actually start having sex.

warbarrenmatt

My young brother (8 years younger) is a brilliant footballer and athlete in general and I’m hoping so hard he becomes a pro one day and sorts me out as his driver or something, otherwise I’m well and truly fucked. Part of me is jealous too, though .

—–

Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.

See you next Friday!