The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
I’m still really depressed over breaking up with my gf and it’s been over a year…
My porn history has become a lot weirder and more perverted since quarantine.
One month before I graduated university, I had the opportunity to hook up with my teacher (after 3 years of weird chemistry), so I went for it and crumbled under pressure and couldn’t get it up. Still haunts me all these years later.
At the beginning of quarantine my girlfriend said she knew this was going to be a stressful time and if I needed a night to myself she would understand. Well 2 weeks later I decided to ask for that night and she ended up upset and crying in the bedroom and wouldn’t let me come in. Maybe one day I’ll figure her out…
I piss as hard as possible to try and burn the shit stains out of my toilet
Whenever I play the Lottery, I wait a day or a few days to actually check the results and see if I won. That way I dream about what I would do with the money if I actually won it. Then obviously I check the results and find I’ve lost money
I’m dead inside
When I was 14, my also 14 year old step sister found a VHS porn in her dad’s room. We watched the video together and she fingered herself while I awkwardly sat there with a boner. Never touched each other or did anything like it after that, but the recommendations on Pornhub make me think about it every time I wank.
I’m so starved of human interaction that I’ve been playing 90s rap music really loudly to try get my neighbour to come and start a fight. So far no dice.
When I was younger I took a massive shit at my aunt’s house. Didn’t realise there wasn’t any toilet paper so I grabbed a towel from the closet wiped my arse and then folded it with the shit on the inside and put it back into the closet. 15 years later they still haven’t said anything!
My girlfriend gently scratches my balls with her fake nails when she gives me head and it’s the most amazing feeling ever
I’ve now gotten to the point where I’d rather sir through a work meeting them do another fucking quiz.
I met up with an old school friend who I hadn’t seen in 3 years since school finished. He was always a bit weird but a safe guy. Anyway the second time we met he brought his little sister along to the pub who had grown into quite the fittie. Somehow she invited me to visit her at her uni during the week and her bro didn’t object or even react to it at all. On the day I was going up there my friend sends me a Facebook message and says he knows his sister wants to bang me, and he’s OK with it as long as I don’t ‘film it and put it on YouTube’. He basically organised and gave me his blessing to bang his little sister.
I have unusually small nipples
I was in the hospital visiting my granddad. His nurse was a fit Irish woman. She was doing some tests on him while I was in there with my grandma and dad. Bit of an awkward silence so I get my phone out and the browser opens a porn I’d been watching the night before on full blast. I’m shocked to my very core and just freeze in my seat. My dad’s just cracking up laughing. The nurse gives me an awkward smile on the way out and I die inside.
No matter how many times I shit my arsehole inside out I just can’t stop eating spicy food
I successfully transformed my girlfriend from a person who hates blowjobs into someone who gives them twice a week. The key is to keep a clean penis and offer bribes.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!