The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
I’ve been seeing this girl for a while now, she’s hot and cool and we get on and everything, but what annoys me is how seriously she takes her Instagram. She’ll upload a photo then stress out for hours over how many likes it gets to the point where you can’t even have a normal conversation with her. It makes me feel sick.
My dad used to tell me that my mum had died as a way of getting me out of bed for school in the mornings
Normally when ordering from Uber Eats I will order several different items and claim that 1 or 2 of then didn’t arrive, and get an instant refund, however today the delivery driver was a middle age British man (in London no delivery driver are British), he seemed like a genuinely nice guy so I didn’t put my claim in incase it got him in trouble. It. It makes me think why is it okay to claim depending on there nationality/race? I’m scum.
I once weed in a glass and gave it to my babysitter, told her it was cider. I don’t know if she drank it.
My friends all chipped in to get me a hooker for my 17th as I was the only virgin left in the group. They were all in the front room as I was supposedly losing my virginity in the bedroom. The truth is we spent the whole time talking because I was so nervous that I couldn’t get properly hard. I obviously told my friends I banged her though
I’m a few weeks deep into a test steroid cycle and as a result I’m horny as hell.
Problem is, I’m not the best looking bloke in the world so I’m having to result to having a wank. I’m having a minimum of 3 a day. Even taking a wank break at work.
I would totally screw Katie Hopkins. I think she’d be a complete freak in bed
After 2 of my mates had rejected the same girl at a party, I ended up with her. Third time lucky I guess. We got chucked out of a house party so I walked her home along the canal. It was starting to get light, but we decided to nip into the nearest bush for a quick fuck. A few minutes later, while naked and balls deep, I was greeted by a Labrador out on its morning walk. Followed by it’s owner. Awkward.
An Albanian kid stole my girlfriend and now I’m genuinely racist towards all Albanians
I was once so drunk and high that I stood in the middle of the road whacking passing cars with my belt and screaming like a madman. A police car rolled up in front of me with some force and the cop swung his head out of the window and yelled ‘OI, FUCK OFF’. I went on my merry way and always thought that was pretty cool of the police man to do that instead of arrest me.
I wear ear phones whenever I walk to uni so I can pretend I don’t hear homeless people asking me for money
I’m dating a bloke who really likes me, but didn’t move on since I broke up with my ex. I’m talking with both of them saying that I love them. Don’t know what to do, the one which I’m dating is really caring and lovely and really good looking lad, my ex on the other side is not attractive at all, a bit selfish and changeable but the charisma he has, my God! I will decide within a week I guess.
I spent the last 24 hours straight snorting high quality blow and fapping to cam girls, lol. I wish I was joking.
Good guys don’t win
Recently found out my brother’s in-laws abused his children, reported it to social ( obviously ) and they have been taken away. As much as I know it was the right thing to do it has destroyed my brother’s life and I can’t help but feel like scum for doing it to him
I was on a date a few months ago whilst suffering from a stomach upset. I went to the toilet just to piss, but whilst doing so rather spectacularly shat my pants. I shuffled over to the cubicle, cleaned myself up as best I could, and removed said pants. With no other way to dispose of them, I lifted the lid of the cistern and left the defiled item in there. I returned to the date.
My doctor says I have to stop drinking alcohol because of some new medication I’m on for my bipolar. I’m 30 and work in a bar.
My mates got into a fight with this group of pricks in a nightclub once and I was so scared of getting battered (never hit anyone in me life) that I hid from the action until it was over. Once it all died down and we regrouped I had to pretend like I was panting from exerting so much energy and was inspecting my knuckles like I’d just caused some serious damage.
Not my story but the masseuse/handjob girl I go to sometimes told me that some guy pays her to wank him off and then he drinks his own jizz from her hands. Disgusting.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!