The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Today I asked a co-worker how their summer was. It’s mid-February and I work with them every day.
I am one of those middle class white boys who has wasted every single opportunity that has been handed to me on a plate. I ballsed up my GCSEs, A Levels, Degree (Desmond, of course). Friend of the family got me a cushy job which I fucked up and lost, I’m currently drifting through my current job doing the absolute bare minimum and getting away with it. Whenever a new opportunity shows up (I got offered a promotion last week – heaven knows how)I lie (to myself) and say I’m going to make the most of it but in reality I know my laziness will prevail and it’ll be just another fuck-up.
I used to hate it when in doggy with my boyfriend, he would pull my arse cheeks apart and surprise me by spitting into my hole…. He found it hilarious when I would get pissed off! I’ve learnt to enjoy it now though
I somehow managed to touch my bellend on the urinal at the pub and now I’ve got weird red blemishes all over my penis. Gonna give it another 24 hours and hope it goes down.
When I was younger I used to get the meanings of words mixed up a lot (still do). Anyway one summer we were in Canada and my dad’s dad had died so I would go to my grandma’s house and mow the garden for her. One day the neighbours approached me over the garden fence and started talking to me about who I was and whether I was staying with my nan while on holiday. I said “no, I just come for conjugal visits”, thinking conjugal meant casual or friendly. Years later I found out the meaning of the word and it explains everything about the change in atmosphere that day.
After getting sacked from a job, I used to wank at the flat we were renting 3 or 4 times a day. It was the craziest horniness like being a teen again. When i eventually got another job, i had to ween myself off but my body had become used to it, so I’d go to the disabled loo and have my daily wank at work. That was three years ago and if the day’s too stressful, I still have the odd one and chill after.
I used to live in a really grimy part of High Wycombe and one night accidentally drove into a bum who was riding his bike and sent him flying. He was so cracked out he immediately got up jumped on his bike and rode off without even noticing me
My best mate broke up with his fiancée. He knew I liked her, so he said he’d be ok if anything happened between me and her. About a week later I had a threesome in the local park with her and a lad who looked like Mika (popular singer at the time back in 2010) Told my best mate about this afterwards. Not sure why I told him, but understandably he wanted to punch my lights out and we haven’t spoken since.
Me and my missus named our daughter Amy, because she was born on the day Amy Winehouse died and we both got overly emotional over it. I secretly really regret it now.
Whenever my wife asks me for sex, I have to go to the toilet for a couple minutes and fire up some porn on my phone to start feeling horny. Not a good sign really.
In 2nd year of uni I lived with 5 other people and two of those people fell out big time. After that three of us decided to live together for 3rd year but one of the initial arguers decided to tag along. We got on with them well enough so we thought “okay” and moved into a house for 4. We very quickly found out that this person was absolutely disgusting to live with. She leaves shit in the toilet and on the seat, steals from us, lies through her teeth and is just generally a horrible person. Not long ago I got fed the fuck up with her behaviour and attitude towards us that I rubbed her toothbrush all in between my toes and put it back in the holder. May I add that my feet are not in good condition whatsoever so she’s been using a toothbrush covered in my toe skin since. Fuckin bitch. To top it off she stole over half of my tub of butter in the past few days, but jokes on her because it’s 4 months out of date. A word of advice for any budding students – vet your chosen housemates better
I came home very drunk last week and threw up in the main room. Went to the kitchen to get some roll to clean it all up and on my return found the dog licking up all my puke. It was pretty gross.
I am waiting for my girlfriend’s mum to live or die to break up with her. It’s 50/50. She lives I go, she dies and so does the rest of my 2020.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!