The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
You know that little stringy bit that holds together your tongue and the bottom of your mouth? I snapped it on New Years Eve Mandy’d off my tits licking some girl out.
I loathe people who brush their teeth in the office
Years ago I skyped a girl who I met on Okcupid. She talked me into getting naked on camera and having a wank but was sending me naked pics of herself via chat since her ‘camera didn’t work’. I realised about 20 seconds after the skype call ended that there was a 99.9% chance I’d been catfished. I haven’t chatted to the person since but I’m pretty sure she/he filmed me and put me on the internet. So if anyone comes across a video of a lanky white guy with a tiny dick wanking on pornhub, it’s probably me.
When I was much younger I stole a Louis Vuitton handbag from a nightclub and gave it to my new girlfriend as a present.
I unfriend most people on their birthday because that’s when Facebook reminds me they exist
Sometimes I get really stoned and convince myself the lottery numbers running through my head are 100% the winning numbers for that day or week. I even quietly promise to god that I won’t tell anyone about our supernatural connection when I win. I play my numbers online and of course just end up wasting money. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for 6 years and the most I’ve ever won is a tenner.
I hate it when I spit in a urinal and some of my saliva is left dangling. It feels like I licked the urinal
I got drunk and told a guy I work with that I fantasise about his cock in my mouth. I’m doing dry January.
I let my girlfriend wax my chest recently and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made in my life. Now she thinks I’m a total pussy
I was round a mates and did a shit that was too big to flush. Suddenly noticed a bowl of potpourri (the decorative dried flower petal shit). Had to use a piece to cut my shit in half so it would flush. It worked, no-one found out.
In the past couple of years I’ve spent a good quarter to one third of my income on racing bicycles and racing bicycle components. I currently own only one pair of trousers and most my t shirts and jumpers have holes in them but i’m too tight to buy new clothes, yet will happily drop a hundred quid on a pair of tyres, carbon fibre saddle or some other pointless trinket. I genuinely think I’m autistic about bikes.
I once wanked off to Bianca from Eastenders
I’ve been with two vegetarian girls and can safely say that they have better tasting and smelling vaginas than meat-eaters. Their farts are diabolical though.
My new year’s resolution is to have sex at least once in 2020.
I once had to lie to my ex girlfriend that I had a food fetish and that I wanted to put food on her so I could lick it off, but I only wanted to put honey or golden syrup on her vagina cos every time I went down on her, it was like eating a mutilated dead corpse out and it tasted like dried piss and ebola mixed up in sweat. The sweet taste of honey made it bearable. The main reason for breaking up with her was her fish market odour.
Girlfriend just told me her last boyfriend had a 10” dick. Great.
Leave your confession(s) for next week in our submission box HERE.
See you next Friday!