The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Back in 2003, I was 18 and got a part time job at working for an art dealer. I was there to cover her holiday. I knew and still know nothing about art, the dealer didn’t give me a price list or instructions. A couple came in wanted to buy an oil painting, I checked to see if it had a price, only price was £250, I tried to contact the dealer but she wasn’t available. I sold the painting, few days later the dealer returned, £250 was the price of the frame, the painting was worth over £5,000.
My diet is so dreadful that when I go for a shit there is often an oil slick on the surface of the water in the toilet
I hooked up with an American girl at uni. At the time I was obsessed with anal sex and tried my luck.She had never tried it before but agreed to give it a go. She took it like an absolute champion and orgasmed very hard. Afterwards she said that she found it very very painful but managed to channel the pain into intense pleasure. I later learned that she had moved back to America and teaches women how to give birth without pain relief – like to think I had something to do with her skills in this area.
When I was 12 my mate said to me “give me your arm.” I put my arm out and he proceeded to yank it so hard that he pulled my arm out of its socket. To be fair to him he was so horrified he started crying. Had to go doctor to pop it back into place.
I was so drunk one time I stood up on my bedside table and tried to piss through my window, except I didn’t realise the window was closed to I pissed all over myself instead
I have unopened work emails from 2016
I’ve been ignoring this girl I hooked up with once for about 3 years now (she texts me every now and then and I just keep it very brief). Recently saw on Facebook she had a boob job so I’m giving her boobs some time to heal then am getting right back in there.
When I was in school me and my mate would cut off our pubes and sprinkle them on the girl we hated’s hair
I once blagged a free taxi ride from town by telling the driver I was an undercover policeman and needed to get to a police station. It worked and I got a free ride…to a police station nowhere near my house. I also threw up all over the front of this random police station. I had to walk further home from this police station than I would have if I just walked from town
My girlfriend wiped my ass for me when I was blackout drunk and shat myself. What a girl.
When I was about 13, me and my best mate used to order porn with my dad’s credit card, then set up the sofa pillows between us and wank in the darkness. Much later on I realised my dad definitely saw the charges on his card each time, but credit to him he never said a word about it. Dads are awesome.
I know that certain foods play havoc with my arse hole but I still eat them anyway and deal with the pain later.
good guy at heart
My girlfriend’s grandma died and part of me is thrilled I get to smoke weed and play COD without interruption for the next week while she goes to be with her family
Since the hot new girl started working at the office it’s made getting up to go to work so much easier. I actually look forward to Mondays now even though I’ve said about 3 words to her in 3 weeks and there’s a 0.001% chance I’ll ever get to bang her.
I would buy the Cybertruck if I could afford it
There was a girl at my school who everyone was practically in love with. One day I stole her bra out of her sports bag, took it home, and wore it on my head while I had a wank. Another time I wrapped it round my dick and did the same. Then I got paranoid and cut it up and threw it in the bin. I was a weird kid.
Submit your anonymous confession(s) for next week HERE!
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.