Sick Chirpse Reader Confessions #162

Admit what you did.

The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:


Sometimes when I fancy a girl working at the till in any shop I touch her hand when giving my credit card to see if there’s a connection


I use my dad’s business cards as roach for my spliffs


Spent almost seven years of study to become a lawyer. Got caught using my dad’s travel card and taken to court because they couldn’t determine how long I had been using his travel card. Long story short I will never be able to practice law because of the crime of using my dad’s travel card and ending up in court and breaking the lawyer’s oath of honesty. Seven years down the drain.

Sleep Banger

A 1up of the guy who fingers his girl in his sleep. I bone my wife in my sleep and I’ve actually finished before.


I saw two punks in Camden sitting on the floor holding a sign saying ‘Get a punk drunk £1 per photo”. They didn’t look homeless, just a pair of losers who don’t want to work. Really wanted to kick the shit out of them


My girlfriend called a break on our relationship because I snapped and told her that just for one weekend I want to be alone with my weed and PS4 and relax on my own. Sometimes I really miss being a 12 year old who’d never seen a vagina before.


I got to the airport 3 hours before my flight and killed time by sitting at a cafe and imagining having sex with every female I saw, even the gross ones. I had 3 wanks in the toilets and by the time I was on the plane

[no name]

I’m a teacher, early primary. This week a kid took a shit on the floor in the toilets and the smell was so bad as my class walked past my autistic kid threw up on another teacher. I told his mum and she said yeah, he has a sensitive gag reflex.


I broke my leg on a kids trampoline last summer, spent 4 weeks full of tramadol and codeine and weed. Watched all of entourage, House and breaking bad. also managed at least 3 wanks per day and actually got bored of I now have slight limp but it was a great 8 weeks, paid too. I’m 37


My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as fuck. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals

Peter S

After being married a few years when I remember things I did with girls at university, it sometimes feels like I imagined it all


im 35 and have no idea what im doing in life, i live alone and have no friends. shit job and always skint. is there a reason to carry on this pointless process?


When I was 16 I beat up three 11 years olds at a skate park to look hard in front of some girls. I made the mistake of hanging arround to soak up the glory and eventually one of their brothers came with a baseball bat which he didn’t need because he was already older and hencher than me. Amazingly he didn’t beat me up but forced me to say sorry to all three of them one by one then picked up my skate board and threw it over a fence. It really shamed me more than getting beaten up tbh. I never picked on anyone ever again

banana man

Took the fantastic advice from last week. Having a wank with a banana. 100% recommend.


I always seem to pull the door handle in any person’s car before they’ve had a chance to unlock the doors

Blue Peter

I once came so hard during a blowjob that the girl coughed and shot jizz out of her nostrils.


After masturbating i always have a urge to do one of three things: 1) Eat, 2) Sleep, or 3) Listen to music, but for some strange reason i need for it to be either gospel or rhythm and blues.


My girlfriend works at Boots and refers to her customers as ‘clients’ and it makes me so angry


Went out with my boss and learned he’s a real ladies man despite being 30 years older than me. He asked me about girls I’m shagging seeing as I’m young and I made something up on the spot about having a girl lined up for Friday. I already have a story prepared for Monday in case he asks how it went (we banged obviously)

Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.


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