The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
On holiday in Athens been using the outdoor gym at one of the parks. A few metres from when I work out there’s a refugee family (Syrian I think) camped out with bed sheets, cardboard boxes etc. I can tell they don’t like me working out there because I’ve got my speaker blaring rap music as I do my workout for half hour then leave. Anyway, the other morning I went to get my workout in and someone had taken a fat shit in the middle of the gym plus other smaller pieces of shit smeared across the entire floor area. Refugees 1 Me 0.
My brain sometimes goes into autopilot and I type youjizz into the browser instead of youtube. This happens far too often.
I bumped into some waster I haven’t seen in like 5 years, thought I’d never see him again. One of these guys who really wants you to think he’s cool but he’s just so see-through and try-hard. Not a bad guy, just overbearing and cringeworthy. He even used to ask my girlfriend why I’d never hang out with him (not showing off here, I’m really not that cool). Anyway, I panicked and gave him my number after he asked and he said he’d text me soon so we could go for a drink. I know that text is coming any day now and it’s stressing me out more than it should. I really wish I was more of an arsheole, being fake-nice is a curse. I feel fucking trapped FFS.
Was checking my balls for cancer and it turned into a wank
When I was younger I used to think vagina was spelt ‘fagina’. One night playing this online game where there was a chat room to cuss each other between games, I tried to diss some kid and told him something about his mum’s fagina. Everyone clocked I didn’t know how to spell it and long story short, I got completely ripped apart. Had to find a new crew to play with after that and I never forgot how to properly spell vagina
I still use my ex girlfriends Netflix. She recently added her new boyfriends profile to the account. I have been watching weird murder documentaries, followed shortly by children’s programmes so she thinks he is a maniac.
I started chatting to a guy on Tinder and we arranged a date, however he started messaging me weird stuff, messaged me 10 times in a row when he knew I was out with the girls and wanted to change the date from the pub to his house to ‘watch a movie’ instead. I felt uncomfortable so I cancelled the date…how did he react? he said he was only after a shag anyway, called me ‘fatty’ and blocked me on Whatsapp. He had already told me he had published an E-Book on Amazon and iBooks…so I went on there and gave him a TERRIBLE review on both without even reading the book. Enjoy that lower rating mate.
There is nothing I look forward to more on the weekend than getting a bag in by myself, and having a full on mega wank. Usually this lasts 7-10 hours to DP porn. I haven’t had a GF in ten years. Couldn’t be happier!
I drank a full glass of expired Pepsi from an elderly neighbour who I was helping round the house because she insisted I drink it even though I told her it was expired. My politeness will be the death of me…
When I was a kid I used to pick my nose and stick the bogeys under my bed — I called it my bogey farm. Today my bogey farm is under the driver’s seat in my car
I was doing work experience and one day my boss and his team had to go to a convention and I was put in charge of booking the transport and hotel for them. It was last minute so I tried to find a good deal for them, and without reading all the details booked this one hotel that had an impressive sounding name and decent rating. Turns out I accidentally booked them all into a gay resort where clothing is optional. Needless to say they didn’t keep me on.
I’m never more exhausted than what I wake up in the morning
Went for dinner with a girl from Tinder who told me she was into “water sports”. I honestly thought she meant jet skiing or something like that. Eventually she realised I’d misunderstood and explained it to me, and tonight she’s coming round and I’m drinking 2 litres of Highland Springs
I had a wank in the Vatican when I was 18. Don’t know why, but it’s done now. God forgive me.
I’m the guy who lets off really stinky farts in clubs
First year at uni and my housemate is straight from India. I’m not racist in the slightest and always keep an open mind but he just fits every stereotype you can think of. I have to spray Lynx around the house every time he leaves because it gets that bad. The other day he was drinking chocolate syrup straight out of the bottle as he watched cartoons. He also has no interest in girls and completely blanks every female I’ve brought round. He says he’s straight but doesn’t have the time for the girlfriend with all his studies. Oh well at least he cooks a mean jalfrezi.
I haven’t been to a doctor since 2008
I really miss having sex with 18 year olds. Don’t waste your youth kids.
The other week I told my girlfriend she should be grateful I still think about her when I wank after 4 years of us being together. I thought it was a huge compliment, let’s just say she didn’t agree…
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.