The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Saw my wife’s web history the other day and she had been watching some porn called “mummy’s girl” and that’s creepy as fuck but I checked it out and now our web histories look pretty similar. Oh also, not bad.
I go on dates with girls I don’t fancy just to have someone to have some pints / fags with without looking like a lonely loser.
Last week I met these fit Swedish girls and got far enough to wind up back at theirs, just me and these two hot Swedes. I’m so terrible at closing the deal that I ended up overstaying my welcome and then walked back to my halls to tell my friends a completely made up version of the story
I realised what a piece of shit I am when I bumped into a lass in the street I knew who had just been dumped and was really upset and clearly needed comforting. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, but she was quite big and all I can remember thinking was “I hope none of these people driving past think she’s my girlfriend…” I felt so ashamed of myself afterwards
I was late for an important meeting at work because someone came into the cubicle next to me while I was taking a shit and I couldn’t bring myself to poo because the sounds I make are laughable
I leave comments on the FB page complaining about your site not working even though it works fine for me. I just like giving you guys shit.
I suffer from premature ejaculation. When I cum I try to do it as quietly as possible then carry on fucking. I have quite a big dick so can usually continue for another couple of minutes. I then fake an orgasm and hope the 3 minutes I’ve performed for were suitably satisfactory
We have shared laundry where I live. Some girl forgot her small black sexy underwear in the washer so I took them out and put them to the side so whoever forgot them would collect them. No one has taken them yet and I’m contemplating stealing them.
About once a week, I get some coke or MDMA in for myself, go home, get into bed, sniff the lot and wank til about 6 in the morning. Used to feel great but now when I do it all I feel is intense shame
Suffering the hangover from hell last Sunday lunch at auntie’s house with family. I farted and audibly shat myself to the sheer horror of everyone at the table. I turn 26 this weekend.
whenever me and my best mate get nudes off a girl on Snapchat or whatever, we send them to the each other and rate them. Sounds as horrible as it is, but it’s usually a bit of fun. Anyway, one time I was drunk and got snapping with his older sister. Thought it’d be funny to send them to him. And the video… Didn’t tell him who it was. He rated it 9/10 and said he’d “let her fart in his mouth”. Told him a few weeks later “Mind that nine? I fucked her the other night” and he was jealous as fuck. Obviously can’t tell him now…
My girlfriend’s dad makes me sleep in the spare room when I stay over but we always shag anyway when he goes to sleep. I think he knows but I’m still going to respect the process
My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy. I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.
I was really looking forward to a big wank with quality porn after work with the girlfriend away but this episode of southpark was just too good. Ended up watching half a season, falling asleep covered in food.
I once smoked a spliff of pubes for £10 while I was pissed
I gave a homeless person a fist full of coppers once and he literally looked at me in disgust and threw them in Camden canal
I pee all over the cubicle in club toilets and don’t feel bad cos I know it’s just my drunk alter ego and I’m a sound guy really
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.