The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

Conbine Harvester

I go on dates with girls I don’t fancy just to have someone to have some pints / fags with without looking like a lonely loser.

smallballs18

Last week I met these fit Swedish girls and got far enough to wind up back at theirs, just me and these two hot Swedes. I’m so terrible at closing the deal that I ended up overstaying my welcome and then walked back to my halls to tell my friends a completely made up version of the story

[no name]

I realised what a piece of shit I am when I bumped into a lass in the street I knew who had just been dumped and was really upset and clearly needed comforting. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, but she was quite big and all I can remember thinking was “I hope none of these people driving past think she’s my girlfriend…” I felt so ashamed of myself afterwards

matthieuz

I was late for an important meeting at work because someone came into the cubicle next to me while I was taking a shit and I couldn’t bring myself to poo because the sounds I make are laughable

ogmioz

I leave comments on the FB page complaining about your site not working even though it works fine for me. I just like giving you guys shit.

Male Faker

I suffer from premature ejaculation. When I cum I try to do it as quietly as possible then carry on fucking. I have quite a big dick so can usually continue for another couple of minutes. I then fake an orgasm and hope the 3 minutes I’ve performed for were suitably satisfactory

MrsPalmIsACrackHo

About once a week, I get some coke or MDMA in for myself, go home, get into bed, sniff the lot and wank til about 6 in the morning. Used to feel great but now when I do it all I feel is intense shame

eyeslurking

Suffering the hangover from hell last Sunday lunch at auntie’s house with family. I farted and audibly shat myself to the sheer horror of everyone at the table. I turn 26 this weekend.

longjuansilver

whenever me and my best mate get nudes off a girl on Snapchat or whatever, we send them to the each other and rate them. Sounds as horrible as it is, but it’s usually a bit of fun. Anyway, one time I was drunk and got snapping with his older sister. Thought it’d be funny to send them to him. And the video… Didn’t tell him who it was. He rated it 9/10 and said he’d “let her fart in his mouth”. Told him a few weeks later “Mind that nine? I fucked her the other night” and he was jealous as fuck. Obviously can’t tell him now…

averagesavage

My girlfriend’s dad makes me sleep in the spare room when I stay over but we always shag anyway when he goes to sleep. I think he knows but I’m still going to respect the process

Rip_d

My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy.  I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.

Stillballs

I was really looking forward to a big wank with quality porn after work with the girlfriend away but this episode of southpark was just too good. Ended up watching half a season, falling asleep covered in food.

Dr. Pubethumb

I once smoked a spliff of pubes for £10 while I was pissed

jkat

I gave a homeless person a fist full of coppers once and he literally looked at me in disgust and threw them in Camden canal

Yunis

I pee all over the cubicle in club toilets and don’t feel bad cos I know it’s just my drunk alter ego and I’m a sound guy really

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.