The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Saw my wife’s web history the other day and she had been watching some porn called “mummy’s girl” and that’s creepy as fuck but I checked it out and now our web histories look pretty similar. Oh also, not bad.
I got hit on by a 16 year old Katie Price wannabe on the train but rejected her as I’m 25 (not to mention I have a girlfriend). Is it wrong that I bashed one out to her later?
I go on dates with girls I don’t fancy just to have someone to have some pints / fags with without looking like a lonely loser.
Last week I met these fit Swedish girls and got far enough to wind up back at theirs, just me and these two hot Swedes. I’m so terrible at closing the deal that I ended up overstaying my welcome and then walked back to my halls to tell my friends a completely made up version of the story
I realised what a piece of shit I am when I bumped into a lass in the street I knew who had just been dumped and was really upset and clearly needed comforting. She asked me for a hug, so I gave her one, but she was quite big and all I can remember thinking was “I hope none of these people driving past think she’s my girlfriend…” I felt so ashamed of myself afterwards
I was late for an important meeting at work because someone came into the cubicle next to me while I was taking a shit and I couldn’t bring myself to poo because the sounds I make are laughable
I leave comments on the FB page complaining about your site not working even though it works fine for me. I just like giving you guys shit.
I suffer from premature ejaculation. When I cum I try to do it as quietly as possible then carry on fucking. I have quite a big dick so can usually continue for another couple of minutes. I then fake an orgasm and hope the 3 minutes I’ve performed for were suitably satisfactory
We have shared laundry where I live. Some girl forgot her small black sexy underwear in the washer so I took them out and put them to the side so whoever forgot them would collect them. No one has taken them yet and I’m contemplating stealing them.
About once a week, I get some coke or MDMA in for myself, go home, get into bed, sniff the lot and wank til about 6 in the morning. Used to feel great but now when I do it all I feel is intense shame
Suffering the hangover from hell last Sunday lunch at auntie’s house with family. I farted and audibly shat myself to the sheer horror of everyone at the table. I turn 26 this weekend.
whenever me and my best mate get nudes off a girl on Snapchat or whatever, we send them to the each other and rate them. Sounds as horrible as it is, but it’s usually a bit of fun. Anyway, one time I was drunk and got snapping with his older sister. Thought it’d be funny to send them to him. And the video… Didn’t tell him who it was. He rated it 9/10 and said he’d “let her fart in his mouth”. Told him a few weeks later “Mind that nine? I fucked her the other night” and he was jealous as fuck. Obviously can’t tell him now…
My girlfriend’s dad makes me sleep in the spare room when I stay over but we always shag anyway when he goes to sleep. I think he knows but I’m still going to respect the process
My diet generally consists of kebabs, crisps and sweets and I cannot remember the last time I ate a salad. I drink one actimel a day which fools me into thinking I’m being healthy. I genuinely don’t expect to live past 50.
I was really looking forward to a big wank with quality porn after work with the girlfriend away but this episode of southpark was just too good. Ended up watching half a season, falling asleep covered in food.
I once smoked a spliff of pubes for £10 while I was pissed
I gave a homeless person a fist full of coppers once and he literally looked at me in disgust and threw them in Camden canal
I pee all over the cubicle in club toilets and don’t feel bad cos I know it’s just my drunk alter ego and I’m a sound guy really
My housemate is the best. She cooks me breakfast, lunch, dinner, washes up for me, cleans my room and pays for everything. My housemate is my mum.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.