The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.

Here are the best from this week:

BCW

When I first started smoking weed it was the most fun in the world. Ever since I graduated uni and got a real job I can’t get high without getting paranoid and thinking the worst most negative thoughts. Anyone know how I can get high like a normal person again?

wolfshed

I had to spell ‘Wednesday’ under pressure during a work meeting and my mind went completely blank. Luckily my colleague literally spelled it out for me when I got stuck after ‘Wed’ but my boss now thinks I’m a fucking idiot

Chicken balls

I’m now a manager in fast food after having to take a job while I wait to start a new career. A serial complainer comes in to try her luck once again this week for free food. Usually I’d just throw some chicken towards her mass and hope she fucks off. Today she asks if she can take a load of plastic straws too as we’re switching to paper soon, thank God. This really got to me. I know I’m giving in my notice in three weeks and couldn’t give a fuck about the role so I introduced her drumstick to my sack. Shame I didn’t get chance to slide a straw up my arse really.

sunnyboy4

I’ve set my Tinder radius to 1 mile because I’m lazy

Danny R

a couple of nights ago i took a girl home that i met at a club. whilst we were having sex, i looked down and noticed my condom has slipped off. it was dark so i just put another one on and kept going. the next morning when she left, i tried to look for the condom. it was nowhere to be seen. it was either lodged inside her somewhere.. or she had taken it home. either way i was left speechless.

sketch

I’ve wanked to granny porn

northernandwelsh

I’ve been sleeping on a mattress with no sheets for the last 3 days because I’m too lazy to get them from the dryer

Ignorance is bliss

My last girlfriend was so dirty and up for anything kinky I feel like I’m sexually ruined. I’m pretty sure going out with her was my sexual pinnacle and I’ll never encounter that level of filth again. Normal sex just doesn’t get me going anymore. I even had anal sex with a girl on a first date recently and still couldn’t come. It’s like someone passing you a weak joint after you’ve spent the best part of a year smoking crack every day. Just doesn’t hit the spot like it used to.

islingtonguy

My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as fuck. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals

jamboz

I’m taking a shit right this moment.

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Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.

Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.