The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
Back in school I talked my mate into getting a blowjob from a really big girl and we took the piss out of him for a couple weeks after. 15 years later I look at myself in the miror and honestly I’d love a BJ from that girl now. My youth might have been more fun if I just lowered my standards a bit
I cried when my brother told everyone I loved the Pink Power Ranger. I hadn’t realised it was acceptable to fancy girls at the time
When I first started smoking weed it was the most fun in the world. Ever since I graduated uni and got a real job I can’t get high without getting paranoid and thinking the worst most negative thoughts. Anyone know how I can get high like a normal person again?
I refuse any porn vids under 20 mins even though I cum in about 5
I had to spell ‘Wednesday’ under pressure during a work meeting and my mind went completely blank. Luckily my colleague literally spelled it out for me when I got stuck after ‘Wed’ but my boss now thinks I’m a fucking idiot
I’m now a manager in fast food after having to take a job while I wait to start a new career. A serial complainer comes in to try her luck once again this week for free food. Usually I’d just throw some chicken towards her mass and hope she fucks off. Today she asks if she can take a load of plastic straws too as we’re switching to paper soon, thank God. This really got to me. I know I’m giving in my notice in three weeks and couldn’t give a fuck about the role so I introduced her drumstick to my sack. Shame I didn’t get chance to slide a straw up my arse really.
I’ve set my Tinder radius to 1 mile because I’m lazy
My friends surprised me with a stripper at my uni halls on my birthday. I ended up sticking my tongue inside her arsehole, before puking everywhere and having to call it a night early
a couple of nights ago i took a girl home that i met at a club. whilst we were having sex, i looked down and noticed my condom has slipped off. it was dark so i just put another one on and kept going. the next morning when she left, i tried to look for the condom. it was nowhere to be seen. it was either lodged inside her somewhere.. or she had taken it home. either way i was left speechless.
I’ve wanked to granny porn
My girlfriend accidentally booked us into a gay resort on our holiday in Spain a couple years ago. We ended up having an amazing time and even smoked crack cocaine with a gay couple for the first time in our lives. Not saying I’d do it again but it was an experience
Sister of the year
My 18 year old little brother was having trouble chatting up a girl he likes so I pretended to be him on fb for a bit. They are shagging now.
I’ve been sleeping on a mattress with no sheets for the last 3 days because I’m too lazy to get them from the dryer
Ignorance is bliss
My last girlfriend was so dirty and up for anything kinky I feel like I’m sexually ruined. I’m pretty sure going out with her was my sexual pinnacle and I’ll never encounter that level of filth again. Normal sex just doesn’t get me going anymore. I even had anal sex with a girl on a first date recently and still couldn’t come. It’s like someone passing you a weak joint after you’ve spent the best part of a year smoking crack every day. Just doesn’t hit the spot like it used to.
My dick accidentally touched the urinal at a club and the next day my dick head had red blemishes all over and was itchy as fuck. Turns out it was balanitis, easily treatable but still a wake-up call to be very careful at urinals
I once had a wet dream while sleeping on the couch in the TV room. My whole family was in the room.
I’m taking a shit right this moment.
My girlfriend’s dad has a rose tattoo on his arm which I always found a bit weird as he doesn’t seem the type. The other day we had some drinks and he told me it actually covers up his previous tattoo which was a naked lady he got when he was a teen. If you look closely you can still see her tits through the ink. I feel we really bonded with that talk
When I was 16 I beat up three 11 years olds at a skate park to look hard in front of some girls. I made the mistake of hanging arround to soak up the glory and eventually one of their brothers came with a baseball bat which he didn’t need because he was already older and hencher than me. Amazingly he didn’t beat me up but forced me to say sorry to all three of them one by one then picked up my skate board and threw it over a fence. It really shamed me more than getting beaten up tbh. I never picked on anyone ever again
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE – see you next week.