The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
My new year’s resolution was to have sex at least once in 2019. 4 months in… not looking great.
When me and my mate were in college, we worked part time at a banqueting suite setting up the venue and doing catering. Boring most of the time. One night we were hosting an engagement party and the couple had disposable cameras on each table so the guests could take photos and then leave the cameras behind for the couple to develop them. Well obviously my mate stole one of the cameras and all through the night we were going to the toilet and taking pictures of our arses and cocks. One co-worker took a dump and took a picture of that too. Anyway fast forward a few weeks and my friend calls to say he’s been fired because the fiancee’s dad called and was furious about the dick pics. There was no way to link it back to us but I think they just made an educated guess because we were all such degenerates to begin with. I never got formally fired but I just stopped showing up to work because I know I’ll get ripped apart if I ever return.
I report my girlfriend’s bikini pics for nudity on Instagram
There’s a down on his luck (it seems) eastern European man that comes up to my vehicle every time I stop at this particular set of traffic lights and offers to wash my windows before the lights go green. Despite the fact I blatantly ignore him he starts washing my windshield and wiping it down while I meekly protest for him to stop. He then comes round the side and guilt trips me with his eyes about no giving him any money. It’s honestly the worst part of my day
I had a rock hard boner for 15 minutes while waiting to be seen by the doctor this morning. Had to really focus to make it go down before my name was called.
I have a vague recollection of being dragged out of a club by a bouncer for being drunk and bent over a rail while the bouncer dry humped me from behind. I was so wasted I don’t know how much it is true but I get flashbacks of this guy banging his crotch against my jeans/butt. Not sure what action to take if any. Dude had a ponytail as well
I have well over 1000 pictures of tranny porn hidden on my phone not mentioning the huge build up over the years on a hard drive as I have watched it almost exclusively since I was a teenager (in my 30s now). Give me Bailey Jay or Daisy Taylor over any female star any day of the week.
Oh and to the mate who sends tranny pics/vids as a shock prank to our WhatsApp group… I save them and wank off to them
Once I was talking to a few girls at once but I was too lazy to keep like 5 different conversations going, so i used to just copy and paste messages to each girl and just have the same conversation with every girl.
To the guy asking if it’s OK to pick your nose at 25, still going strong over here at 28
Had an amazing blowjob today, I lasted ages because had to concentrate really hard on not letting a stinky fart out
When I was very young I got into a fight with a black girl in the playground (I’m male) and pulled her hair so hard that her extensions came out. I freaked out because I thought I’d literally scalped her. Then someone told me black girls wear extensions because they have cancer and I felt even worse
Walking home from a night out in London and went for not one but two dodgy street burgers on the way home. Desperately needed to shit straight after and had to wipe it up with the Calvin Klein’s my mum had bought me for Christmas a few weeks earlier.Slept outside Euston and got the first train out of London in my shitty commando state. Woke up in Birmingham (about an hour past where I should have got off) and had to take the train back with all the commuters going in for their Friday morning 9am.
When I was 15 I punched my mum in the face because she came in my room while I was sleeping, having a go at me and pulled open the blinds while I was on a massive coke comedown. We’re friends now though
I’ve just found out my new girlfriend gets paid £100 once a week by a guy to ‘Butt drop ,fully clothed on him. He’s twice her age and I don’t even care
I’m pretty sure I’ve been clinically depressed for the last 5 years. I’m just too lazy and broke (and depressed) to do anything about
Best and worst thing ive ever done.
Shagged my best mates recent ex girlfriend up the arse after a pub quiz a couple of weeks ago. Shes ten years older than me and since then we’ve been shagging almost every night and its proper nastyy
I’m a huge fan of big boobs. I’m really thankful that my girlfriend has nice big boobs. I don’t even think they’re Ds but they’re a good handful and really nice and soft. Not really a confession but just want to give thanks.
Once got cornered by 2 chavs saying they’d fuck me up if I didn’t empty all my pockets. I put on my best despondent face and told them I was on my way to visit my dying sister in hospital and that any other day I’d comply but not today. One of them seemed touched by this and said “allow him bruv let’s allow him” and they let me walk away. Dumb fucks.
I drank a glass of red wine at the airport bar while the 2 girls next to me were smashing shots. I’m such a pussy
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) HERE or below this post (scroll all the way down) – see you next week.