The best way to clear your conscience before the weekend is to admit what you did via our anonymous Sick Chirpse confessions box (also located under this post) – every week we’ll be posting our favourite ones.
Here are the best from this week:
My ex girlfriend believed me when I said I deleted all the nudes she sent me. What an idiot.
Walking home drunk one night and I fell over and busted my face up. I lost my wallet so decided to walk to a petrol station and in my wasted state thought the guy would give me a pack of cigarettes if I told him I got jacked. I must have been annoying him for 10 minutes and that’s when a police car and ambulance arrived. I told them I was all good and didn’t need any assistance and didn’t want to file a report. The policeman looked me dead in the eye and said “what if this happens again to someone else you could have stopped it”. So I went to the police station and filed a false police report
After a long love affair with drugs I’ve been diagnosed with a bad heart. the two could be unrelated but I can’t help but feel the urge to scarface suicide myself to find out.
When I was v young I went to a holiday resort with my family and ended up shitting in the resort swimming pool. Not a big shit, just a little nugget. Small enough that 6 year old me didn’t think anyone would notice. The next day we woke up and the staff were draining the pool and had to spend the rest of the day listening to my family complain about the “parents who let their kids shit in the pool”
I went through my longtime boyfriend’s phone to find a DM from 3 years before we began dating. I still got mad that he replied… why am I like this?
It really pisses me off when the fasten seatbelt light turns off on the plane and everyone gets up super quick like they’re in a hurry or something. Sit the fuck down, you’re not going anywhere
I am getting emotionally abused by my girlfriend every day and I don’t know what to do anymore. At a wedding she purposely knocked my drink into me then had a go at me in front of everyone for spilling it. She gets a thrill out of putting me down in front of others.
Just a slob
I haven’t changed my bed sheets in months
My life is spiralling out of control anyway. But last night I came home drunk at 7am and started on my cat. That was a new low for me
I saw my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend’s dick. Let’s just say I don’t measure up.
One time I got super drunk and crashed at my buddys house. His mum (milf) wasnt in but I slept in her room, in the middle of the night i went through her drawers found a bra and wore it as a mask while i wanked off into the en suite sink. That was like 15 years ago and i still feel guilty about it
I don’t watch porn that has under a 70% rating
At 15 on a school trip I somehow convinced a girl to let me finger her for an hour on the flight to Madrid. Still the best sexual experience of my life
My boyfriend genuinely believes I think of him when I masturbate
Recently waiting on the platform on the tube, my stomach started feeling dodgy out of nowhere. Tried to keep it under control but ended up doing a fairly sizeable shart. The train came and I saw that it was packed so I went to run up the stairs hoping to find a toilet. Ended up tripping on the top step, fucking up my knee, dropping my shopping everywhere, dropping my Airpods, with shit in my pants. Tough start to the week.
I’ve wanked off 5 times today. One was a mature and the other was a twerking black girl. Can’t remember what the other 3 were
I have been played loads of Red Dead Redemption 2. The other day was sexing my girl from behind and said “that’s my girl” in Arthur’s voice when he pets the horse. I think she quite liked it, will add it to my bag of tricks
When I’m next to a guy at a urinal and piss as hard as I can to give the impression I have a bigger knob than him
I hang around the feminine hygiene aisle at Tesco and when I see a girl enter the aisle, I try to guess whether she will go for pads or ‘pons. I’m pretty good at guessing.
Well done guys and gals – you’ve done us proud. Well, maybe not proud. But thanks for submitting and if your confession didn’t feature, don’t sweat it – just submit a better one next time.
Get involved and submit your confession(s) directly below this post – see you next week. (Scroll all the way down).